GCSE students 'rewarded' with tragic mum and dad meal

THOUSANDS of hard-working GCSE students will tonight be forced to endure a lame meal with their parents, it has emerged.

While cool kids who failed their exams attend debauched parties, for diligent students the reward for two years of hard work on their GCSEs will be a crap carvery meal and a long talk from dad about how much harder A Levels are.

Teenager Nathan Muir said: “I thought I’d be going to a results party where I get pissed on room temperature cider and have my first sexual experience, but actually I’m going to the Horseshoe Inn with my parents for a gammon platter.

“It would be nice if this milestone in my life was a bit more exciting, but as my mum has pointed out, the prices are very reasonable and the toilets are always clean.

“Now I can’t go to the party at Iain Kelly’s house, which would definitely be more fun than dad letting me have a bitter shandy ‘if I drink it slowly’.

“Still, I’m sure Aunt Susan will text my mum to congratulate me. That will definitely make up for not getting to finger Gemma Stanley in a cupboard.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Massive toad totally running riverbank

A MASSIVE toad has his area of riverbank totally under control.

Squat, confident amphibian Wayne Hayes said: “Whatever happens on this riverbank, it gets run past me first.

“That way there won’t be any misunderstandings. Because when there are misunderstandings, people can get hurt or even swallowed.

“It’s nothing personal, just nature.”

However Hayes denied involvement in the disappearance of a water vole that dug an unlicensed burrow near the big lily pad.

He said: “That vole just had to leave town for a few days. I think his aunt was ill or something. He’s fine.

“People were saying I looked more bloated than usual after he disappeared, but I’m bloated all the time.

“Because I’m a big ass toad.”