Electric car owner excited to spend quality time in tow truck

THE owner of a new electric car is excited about being towed everywhere.

Speaking from the cab of a recovery vehicle, Julian Cook said: “Who knew that buying a battery-powered car in a country with barely any electric car charging infrastructure would lead to me getting stuck so often?

“At least I get to stand around charging points loudly talking to other electric car owners about how we’re saving the planet, and complaining about ICErs – that’s internal combustion engine drivers who always park at our special charging points like school bullies.

“Another bonus is just how many exciting tow-truck rescues I get to experience. For most people, that’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing, but I do it about three times a week.

He added: “The tow truck drivers even have their own nickname for me, it’s ‘Not This Bloody Idiot Again’.”

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Mark Wahlberg confirmed as god of incredibly average men

UNINTERESTING men have hailed Mark Wahlberg as their god.

Wahlberg, who has slightly less screen presence than Roly from Grange Hill, earned $68 million last year from a series of shit films, mostly about massive robots.

Run-of-the-mill bloke Tom Logan, 35, said: “I have always felt criminally under-represented in film and television because I am about as interesting as a microwave instruction manual.

“But the humdrum have been marginalised for too long. Mark Wahlberg’s success is a beacon of hope for those of us who have been lightly beaten with the averageness stick.

“I will go forth into the world now with a new sense of confidence. If Wahlberg can earn a shitload of money by mumbling at a camera, then I can do it to by being an IT solutions support specialist.”