Genius sees straight through commercialisation of Christmas

A VISIONARY has seen through all the sentimentality to the cold, capitalist heart of Christmas and is telling everyone to wake up.

Martin Bishop, from North London, says that every part of Christmas tradition, from the tinsel to turkey, is part of a big business masterplan to make us consume more.

He added: “Why do you buy presents for people that they wouldn’t buy for themselves? To get more money into the system.

“Why is all the good telly on? To make you watch the adverts. Why are there so few Malteser Teasers in the Celebrations? To make you buy another tub.

“Everything from the roaring log fire to the mince pie for Santa is there to encourage self-identification as a consumer class and keep the wheels of capitalism turning.

“Read some Noam Chomsky and stay awake, sheeple!”

Turner’s flatmate, Susan Traherne, said: “Hearing Martin peel back the veneer of Christmas to reveal the cold corporate machinery behind it has been a challenging but ultimately liberating experience.

“Just kidding. I think he’s an arse.”

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Britain prepares to ignore nuts

BRITONS are gearing up to paying no attention whatsoever to large bowls of nuts.

Several thousand tonnes of Brazil nuts, pecans, almonds and hazelnuts have made their way into UK homes over the past week, to be ignored in the traditional yuletide manner.

Nut purchaser Janet Fisher, 42 from Harpenden said: “It is a family custom to buy eight kilos of nuts, place them in the centre of the coffee table in a  strange wooden contraption that resembles a Medieval torture instrument, then spend the festive period pretending they don’t exist.

“We both embrace and shun the nut.”

Fisher’s husband Derek said: “Every so often somebody will glance furtively in the direction of the nuts, think about eating one, but decide to have some Pringles instead. In February, Janet will notice than one of the walnuts has a bit of blue fuzz on it and throw the lot in the bin.

“You can recycle your Christmas tree, yet not your nuts. I believe it is something the council should look into.

“One year we bought a sack of artificial nuts, but somehow they are just not the same.”