Geordies remind Northerners they’re actually Southerners

THE inhabitants of Newcastle have reminded Northerners that they are soft Southerners who wear coats in winter and know about pesto.

Newcastle’s observations throw into doubt decades of boasting by Yorkshire and Lancashire that their cities are the last word in grit, grimness and crap weather.

Leading geordie Roy Hobbs said: “Sorry to shatter your illusions but you’re 150 miles from the proper North. You may as well be having ballet lessons in Cheltenham.

“You think your accents are coarse and incomprehensible? Bollocks. You could be reading the news on Radio 4. Not like us, who sound as if we’re trying to swallow mugs of hot tar while we’re talking.

“Our industries collapsed before yours did, our whippets are thinner than yours and we’ve got weirder unhealthy things in our chip shops, like eggs deep-fried in cheese.”

Hobbs confirmed that a recent drop in temperatures to below zero meant he would be dispensing with his winter t-shirt and going bare-chested to avoid feeling “hot and sticky”.

He added: “We are Newcastle, and we are the ultimate North. Well, apart from Scotland, who we’re a bit scared of.”