AN important salesman like me notices when other drivers lack confidence, doing stupid things like obeying the speed limit. Here’s how I politely school them to become better drivers.
Get right up their arse
All other drivers need a friendly reminder to get the f**k out of your way. That’s why your first port of call should always be a bit of good old-fashioned tailgating. Make sure you’re inches from their rear bumper, so all they can see in their rear-view mirror is your livid face staring at them. I call it ‘aggressive mentoring’.
Flash your headlights for five minutes straight
Occasionally, getting obnoxiously close to the car in front isn’t enough. In these instances, cordially flick your main beam on and off continuously for about five minutes in order to help them see you. They might become so dazzled and panicked they inadvertently swerve off the road, but you can’t get this sort of practical learning from books.
Blare your horn for a sustained period
If you see another road user make a mistake, it’s your duty to notify them with a jovial toot of the horn. But don’t just tap it. Hold it for a good six seconds so they can be sure it isn’t accidental. It may look aggressive, but as any teacher will tell you, there’s no learning without discipline.
Gesticulate wildly with your hands
If you’ve ever considered a career in mime, use your body to convey messages to other drivers. You’d be surprised at what you can communicate with just your hands. ‘F**k off’ and ‘Up your bumhole’ are timeless classics, but try inventing some new ones, eg. ‘You give blowjobs to dirty sailors’. It’s important to make creativity part of the curriculum.
Shout encouragement with obscenities
If you prefer the personal touch, wind your window down and try and find an opportunity to speak to your fellow motorists. Profanity adds colour, the more the better, eg. ‘Learn how to shitting drive you blind f**king wanker prick. Tosser!’ Other drivers will be inspired by the your command of the rich and poetic English language.
