'Getting pissed' craze sweeps UK

BRITONS are rushing to take part in a new craze that involves consuming alcohol and becoming drunk.

The craze, which is thought to have originated on the internet, has led health experts to speculate that consuming large amounts of alcohol could have negative effects.

Office worker Tom Logan said: “Everyone’s into getting pissed at the moment. Yesterday evening I was on the bus when a guy got on who was drunk, or as teenagers say ‘a drunkard’.

“He was actually swaying. Classic.

“It was my mate Shane who told me about it. He’d been on the internet and said ‘There’s this thing called ‘getting pissed’, d’you want to try it?

“The feeling is crazy, it’s like you’re funnier and physically invincible. Then afterwards your head hurts.”

The objective of getting pissed is to become drunk, which can have an array of effects from violent aggressiveness to sitting quietly in a corner dwelling on past mistakes.

Doctor Denys Finch Hatton said: “Most people will try it once and then probably never do it again.

“But for others the consequences can be serious. They might fall on something sharp or buy an unaffordable item off eBay and not be able to cancel it.

“There may even be health problems caused by alcohol, like maybe it affects internal organs. It’s too early to tell.”

Logan added: “Getting pissed is ace, but people will stop doing it when something new comes along, like for example a really good board game.”

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Genius children somehow becoming average adults

BRITAIN’S millions of gifted children are inexplicably growing up to become unremarkable adults.

98 per cent of modern parents believe their offspring to be intellectually exceptional. However roughly the same proportion of humans will grow up to be pretty run-of-the-mill.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Either kids are shedding IQ points on a daily basis or their parents are just plain wrong about how brilliant they are.”

Parent Patricia Logan said: “From the moment he was born, Tom was quite clearly different to other, inferior, babies.

“Straight away he really engaged with the world around him by looking at things and making gurgling sounds. Even when he was just shitting himself, you could tell he was thinking about it on a very deep level.

“But Tom failed to build on his early sporting success of winning an egg and spoon race at the age of four, and did not get a scholarship to Oxford, despite his aptitude for Lego Duplo.

“As a mum, I’d hoped that Tom would date a series of intelligent, attractive and ideally posh girlfriends. Sadly he chose to bring home a string of alcoholics rather than the young Nigella Lawson.”

Parenting expert Denys Finch Hatton said: “Believing your own children to be special probably prevented our primitive ancestors getting sick of the non-stop wailing and allowing their baby to be ‘accidentally’ squashed by a mammoth.

“But really, they’re not special at all.”