Getting your kids into the right school and other things nobody cared about in the 1970s

IN the 1970s certain things were of little concern to the public. Here are some that look a bit weird now.

Physical safety

If, as a child, you injured yourself, your parents would simply say: ‘Put some TCP on it.’ A dab of TCP would resolve anything from toothache to being run over by a lorry.

A good school for your children

If you were fed mashed potato from an ice cream scoop at lunchtime and did not actually die over the course of a day, parents were fine with that. The actual teaching was irrelevant, so long as you could vaguely remember your times tables. Seven eights are 56. Job done.

Going out and exploring

Not in itself bad. In fact very Famous Five. Until you discover manhole covers and 20-foot drops.

Extremely dangerous fireworks

The public safety films of the time encouraged you to keep them in a biscuit tin. No one gave a shit though so every fireworks night was a high-risk evening of crazed dogs, bonfires close to buildings and blowing your fingers off with small explosives.

Paedos

Paedophiles had it easy in the 70s. If a PE teacher liked to get a gym class to run around in just their pants, he was ‘a bit unusual’, rather than ‘a sexual pervert’.

Clothes

Parents nowadays tend to not to want their child to look like a twat. This was not an issue in the 1970s, when children were actively made to wear orange tank tops.

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The five rapidly worsening stages of having a spring clear-out

FROM starting out enthusiastically to wondering if the best solution is just to burn the house down, here are all the stages in having a spring clear-out.

Start with total enthusiasm

After a year stuck in the house amassing pointless crap that you’ve bought online without being able to get rid of any old stuff, it’s now time for a clear out and a massive charity shop run. You are committed to creating a minimalist environment that Marie Kondo would be proud of.

Feel twinges of early regret

It’s taken ages to get everything out of the wardrobe onto the bed and the only thing you’ve found to get rid of is a ball of wool from a misguided lockdown attempt to take up knitting. Start wondering if it will all go back in again and wish you’d watched Loose Women instead.

Have an extended break for nostalgic melancholy

Find some old photographs from school and spend ages gazing at them in a state of misty-eyed nostalgia, wondering if you would have been happier married to Jordan Gardner from woodwork class than your actual husband. Suddenly realise two hours have passed and it’s getting dark.

Wish you’d never f**king started

You’ve done nothing apart from make a massive mess and develop serious doubts about the state of your relationship. Get into a temper and start trying to shove everything back into the wardrobe, making it into even more of a disordered nightmare than it was before.

Consider burning the house down

Your crap seems to have magically multiplied and can’t be put away again, you’re knackered and you’re sobbing into a mug of neat gin. Find a stray lighter amongst the mess and seriously consider torching the house, collecting the insurance and starting again from scratch.