Girlfriend of 'keen' guitarist doesn't want another homemade song this Christmas

A WOMAN whose boyfriend is a keen amateur songwriter has told him she only wants a present that has been bought in a shop, with actual money, this Christmas.  

Susan Traherne who has been dating guitar player Tom Booker for five years  has received a ‘home-made’ song every Christmas.

Traherne said: “Last year I got him an expensive jacket and he gave me a song about a little Robin called Susan that lives in a hedge.

“It’s like me giving him the thought ‘I must pick up some eggs and some ham.’ If I set it to music is it a present? 

“I’d like to return this song, because the chord progression is shit and the singer sounds like he’s got a nasal infection. Have you got the receipt? No. Exactly. 

“I wouldn’t make up a dance and say that’s your present. “

Guitarist Tom Booker said: “What would you rather have, a song made with love or a Panettone and a mug bought with spite and resentment? “

Traherne added: “And if he ‘gets me a poem’ I am going to lose my shit.”

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Five budget whiskies that tell your dad it hasn't been the best year for you financially

EVERY dad likes whisky. That’s just a fact. But whisky is also a great way of telling your dad that things haven’t worked out how you hoped cashwise and even securing a small loan. 

These brands are a caring, subtle way to tell your father that you’re on the outside edge of your overdraft and are considering payday lenders:

Grant’s – A blended whisky favoured by those unafraid to mix it with a full can of full-strength Coke, Grant’s forcefully announces that destitution is only a short step away.

Bell’s – You had such high hopes for me, dad. I hate to let you down. So this bottle of Bell’s – not even a litre – must say what I can’t, which is that I’m unable to pay the rent for the third month running.

Teacher’s – There are pubs, and there are rough pubs, and there are pubs with dogs on the roof that sell Teacher’s for £2 a shot. A single sip will vividly bring the image of you, in one of these pubs, with the locals, to your dad’s mind’s eye. His wallet should open shortly after.

Sainsbury’s Basics Scotch – “It’s actually a decent drop,” you say, eyes bulging with despair. Later you demonstrate how far you’ve sunk by adding water to it in a pathetic pretence of sophistication. If he doesn’t offer help, beg.

Ice tea in a Jura 12-year-old bottle – Dad will put this away for later, because it’s too good to open at Christmas while everyone’s got a ruined palate. While he’s doing that go through his wallet and run.