Girlfriends announce plan to have some of your chips

THE nation’s girlfriends have announced that they do not want any chips, but they will have some of yours. 

Partners responded that it was fine to have some chips and that they had no objection to buying the chips, but they ‘wanted some of their bloody chips for themselves for a change’.

Women retorted that they ‘might have expected’ this level of selfishness and swore to have ‘only a tiny few’ because as stated earlier, they should not be having any chips really.

The offer to ‘just get two lots’ was reiterated and emphatically rebuffed, and boyfriends were informed ‘to stop being so greedy’ and get one portion, without curry sauce.

Steve Malley of Oxford said: “Half of them she’s had. And four onion rings.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Atheist who blocked friend’s toilet resorts to prayer

A COMMITTED atheist who has blocked his friend’s toilet has called upon the mercy of the Lord, he has admitted. 

Joe Turner caused the blockage the day after enjoying a huge roast washed down with loads of red wine, and having exhausted all practical options has turned to the spiritual world.

He said: “Please, oh Lord, if you’re really there send me a miracle. Or at least something long and pokey like a barbecue fork.

“Ben can’t find out the truth about what happened here. He cannot know the foul deeds I perform in his bathroom. Help me in my hour of need.

“Reveal yourself to me, your humble servant, and I swear I will spread your teachings like St Paul after his conversion. Oh God, he’s coming up the stairs. Lord. Please.”

God said: “I appreciate the sentiment. But it’s never going to make an inspiring parable, is it?”