Girlfriends confirm nothing is wrong although their manner suggests otherwise

BRITAIN’S girlfriends have confirmed that nothing is wrong, but in a slightly offhand way which suggests that this may not be the case.

After being a bit quiet last night, avoiding eye contact and going to bed without saying anything, girlfriends have this morning stated that everything is fine although not in a very upbeat manner.

Long-term girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?

“I’ve got to go to work now.”

Boyfriend Tom Booker said: “Something’s not right, I can sense it.

“The difficulty is that I’m not sure whether I’ve done something bad, or she’s just not in a very good mood.

“If I ask her why she’s in a weird mood she might say she wasn’t until I made her feel weird by asking her. Then she may do that thing where she sits there holding a cushion.

“On the other hand, she’s clearly sending a signal that she wants my reassurance about something, even if she’s having difficulty reaching out because it’s a sensitive issue.

“I’ll just leave it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Red Hot Chili Peppers still a thing, public warned

MUSIC fans have been warned that the Red Hot Chili Peppers still exist. 

Although the band predates the Battle of Hastings, last night there was a confirmed sighting of their ancient gnarled torsos on stage. 

Music fan Nikki Hollis said: “They must have enough money to keep themselves in chest wax and cock socks by now, surely?

“Are they victims of an ancient curse which dooms them to play awful slap-bass jock pop for all eternity until the earth itself withers and dies? Are they part of some grotesque $1 bet with Duran Duran to see who’ll give up first?

“And most baffling of all, why are they on Radio 6 every twenty bastard minutes?”

Red Hot Chili Peppers, or RHCP as they’re known after the retching sound induced by their work, shot to fame in 1991 with Give It Away a paean to how superb penises are.

They have gone on to rack up dozens of singles alternately singing about their genitals or the fact they come from California, a fact that seems to endlessly fascinate the band.

Hollis said: “Just knowing they’re out there, waiting to pounce on another festival crowd with their interminable funk stylings, is chilling.”