Sunday, 27th September 2020

Good thing we stockpiled, say f**kwits

BRITONS stuck at home for months have reflected that it is a good thing they stockpiled or they would not have all this rice. 

People who like peering out of their windows looking for non-household groups to shout at are getting massive chubbies every time they open a cupboard filled with tinned tomatoes. 

Norman Steele said: “22 pounds of pasta. 18 pounds of rice. A battery farm’s-worth of eggs. 

“These are the things that keep me calm in the current emergency. Knowing that when others are slaughtering their guinea pigs for meat, I’ll still be munching through Pringles. 

“Of course, I’m still at the shops every two days. You’re allowed and they can’t stop you and I don’t want my supplies running low. And actually they’re surprisingly well-stocked. 

“In fact I’ve barely had to touch my stockpiles at all, and in some areas I’m still building them up. 40 bottles of shampoo. Yay me.” 

Neighbour Donna Sheridan said: “We consider Norman’s stockpile to be the community stockpile, and the minute we run out of anything we’ll inform him of that with crowbars.”