Good thing we stockpiled, say f**kwits

BRITONS stuck at home for months have reflected that it is a good thing they stockpiled or they would not have all this rice. 

People who like peering out of their windows looking for non-household groups to shout at are getting massive chubbies every time they open a cupboard filled with tinned tomatoes. 

Norman Steele said: “22 pounds of pasta. 18 pounds of rice. A battery farm’s-worth of eggs. 

“These are the things that keep me calm in the current emergency. Knowing that when others are slaughtering their guinea pigs for meat, I’ll still be munching through Pringles. 

“Of course, I’m still at the shops every two days. You’re allowed and they can’t stop you and I don’t want my supplies running low. And actually they’re surprisingly well-stocked. 

“In fact I’ve barely had to touch my stockpiles at all, and in some areas I’m still building them up. 40 bottles of shampoo. Yay me.” 

Neighbour Donna Sheridan said: “We consider Norman’s stockpile to be the community stockpile, and the minute we run out of anything we’ll inform him of that with crowbars.”

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Co-workers realising their friendship was mainly based on proximity

TWO colleagues have realised their ‘friendship’ was entirely based on sitting close together at work.

After being told to work from home, Tom Booker and Wayne Hayes now realise the gap of three feet between their office chairs was the only thing holding their flimsy relationship together.

Hayes said: “I was sure we were mates who did banter, but I haven’t missed Tom at all. It’s weird. When we were in the office he seemed essential but now I never think about him.

“We talked about meeting up for virtual Friday beers but I think I’ll just hang out with my family instead. I’m not actually sure I have his number.”

Booker said: “I used to joke about how Wayne was my ‘work wife’ but I’ve since realised that I far prefer my actual wife. 

“All we really have in common is dissatisfaction with our job and contempt for our co-workers. Without that there’s nothing. I don’t even think he likes football.”