Goth sanctuary site confirmed

A CREPUSCULAR forest wherein echoes the melancholic song of the nightingale is to become the UK’s first goth sanctuary.

The atmospheric site near Yeovil will become home for the UK’s remaining few thousand goths, who were once plentiful in market towns. However their natural habitats of windswept seventies shopping precincts and dingy basement clubs have been increasingly eroded.

Naturalist Tom Logan said: “The introduction to Britain of the North American hipster has been a disaster for the indigenous goth.

“The hipsters’ thick plaid shirts, luxuriant facial fur and gourmet burger diet mean they are better adapted to survive the winter.

“Gradually the UK’s abandoned churches and disused brutalist office blocks have been turned into eclectically furnished tea shops and micro-breweries, leaving goths with nowhere to congregate in an ominous but polite manner. Consequently, breeding has plummeted.

“If we did not act goths would go the same way as water beetles, great bustards and jazz funkateers.”

However local resident Mary Fisher said: “It’s the thin end of the wedge. Next they’ll be wanting to reintroduce grebos into Warwickshire.”