Government to abolish inspirational teachers

INSPIRATIONAL teachers have no place in Brexit Britain and will be scrapped, the government has confirmed.

Education secretary Justine Greening said: “Pupils having their eyes opened to the wonders of the world by funny, wise teachers will just make it harder for an independent Britain to compete against ruthlessly efficient Germans.”

The move was welcomed by headmaster Roy Hobbs who stressed his job of churning out call centre workers was not helped by pupils standing on their desks and ‘swearing undying loyalty to a hippy’.

He added: “It’s not part of the core curriculum and those desks are not built to support a teenager.”

Inspirational teacher Nikki Hollis said: “I was getting a small group of pupils to paint their dreams onto their school shirts when the head came in and told me I was fired.

“I didn’t even have the chance to collect the ‘I Will Tell My Grandkids About You’ scrapbook the class had made for me.”

Justine Greening added: “I am seizing the day.”

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SNP announces second instalment of Independence Day trilogy

THE second part of Scotland’s Indyref trilogy will reach audiences before 2019, Nicola Sturgeon has announced. 

Following widespread acclaim for the first, in which the country’s attempt to separate from an evil empire founders tragically in its final moments, the SNP leader said they had found a ‘compelling new narrative’ for the sequel.

Sturgeon added: “We pick up just a few years later, but in a blasted, barely-recognisable landscape, like the opening of Terminator 2. 

“Cameron is gone, overthrown in a coup by Theresa May and her Brexiteer drone army, and this time Scotland is fighting not just for itself but for an entire continent.

“The Cybernats are upgraded and are more intimidating than ever. Alex Salmond will play a cameo role, but we have found a dynamic young female lead. Hi.

“The stage is set for a spectacular conclusion to the trilogy in 2024. We will celebrate our victory with a huge fireworks display and dance around a campfire with some furry little Glaswegians.”