Government trying to work out if 'bumtard' is homophobic

THE government is to launch an inquiry into whether words such as ‘bumtard’ and ‘spangler’ are anti-gay.

Following a £2m research project into the sort of rubbish children come out with at school, the department for education is to examine the origin and use of more than 5000 words that have been used in a playground-based hate crime.

A spokesman said: “We’ve encountered any number of terms that sound vaguely like they might have anti-gay connotations but it’s frustratingly difficult to prove.

“What for instance is a ‘cleft monger’, or a ‘chip-dipper’? Should we be issuing a departmental directive on ‘arsebadger’?”

He added: “Our researchers repeatedly asked pupils at a North London primary school what a spangler is, and they just kept saying ‘Stephen Malley is a spangler’.”

The research team is also trawling the archives at the British Library, in a bid to unearth any historical reference to a gay act of ‘spangling’.

Meanwhile, seven year-old Roy Hobbs was recently labelled a homophobic bigot after he referred to classmate Nathan Muir as ‘a gay’.

He said: “Nathan and I have repeatedly conversed about his nascent sexuality, and he has expressed his preference for boys. I did not mean it in any pejorative sense.

“It’s not like he’s some dirty fucking arsebadger.”



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Seeing a thing makes you think about it, say experts

SEEING a picture of someone doing something makes you think about the thing they are doing, according to new research.

Scientists at the Institute for Studies have finally established that when human eyes see a thing the brain will often generate a thought that is in some way related to the thing that has just been seen.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “We applied the seeing-thinking forumula to smoking and found that it followed exactly the same pattern.

“We got a bunch of smokers together and showed them a picture of a cigarette. We asked them if this made them think about cigarettes and they all said ‘yes’.”

The research has been hailed by anti-smoking group ASH who say it will be a vital weapon in their battle to force film producers to pretend that smoking does not exist.

A spokeswoman said: “So called film-makers have been allowed to depict the existence of cigarettes and pipes for a scandalously long time.

“But what would you expect from an industry that is based in California?

“If we can ban smoking from films then it means we can start to make everyone the same and then organise them all into nice neat rows and make sure everything is just the way it’s supposed to be all the time.

“And then I can finally have a shit.”