Grammar schooling to reintroduce concept of ‘riff-raff’

THE government is to bring back the term ‘riff-raff’, which will be used to describe the sort of children not welcome at new grammar schools. 

Education secretary Justine Greening believes that parents should have more choice both in education and in describing the strata of society they do not want their children to associate with.

She said: “As a society we have tried abandoning the term ‘riff-raff’ and we have seen that the experiment simply doesn’t work.

“There are two types of schoolchildren – your own, with quaint, neo-Victorian names like Edgar and Maisie, who wear smart caps which they doff to passing tradesmen, and the riff-raff who chew gum, wear their ties askew and play music from their phones on the bus.

“This new system will separate the former from the latter once and for all and bring entrenched inequality back into education where it is so sorely needed.”

Greening confirmed that grammar schools will include a quota of ‘riff-raff’ who will fail to demonstrate that intelligence is unimportant compared to manners, breeding and wealth.

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We’re both shit but he’s a lunatic, says Owen Smith

LABOUR leadership candidate Owen Smith used last night’s BBC hustings to repeat that while both candidates are shit, Jeremy Corbyn is also deranged. 

The challenger surprised critics by admitting he was a terrible candidate and would be unfit to lead the Labour party if his opponent were not just as terrible and delusional to boot.

Smith continued: “Let’s be real about this: I’m hopeless. Anyone who thought the only way was up after Ed Miliband should take a look at my total disaster of a campaign.

“However, be in no doubt that Jeremy Corbyn’s record of incompetence can easily match my own, on top of which he is a total nutter who keeps a photo of Lenin in his wallet to consult at difficult times.

“Even knowing that I am in all respects useless – and I promise you, I do – puts me ahead of a man who believes that four decades wearing beige on a backbench makes him God’s gift to socialism.

“In summary, I am shit but Jeremy Corbyn is shit and mental, and on those grounds I ask for your vote. Thank you.”

Jeremy Corbyn responded by gripping the podium and staring dementedly around the room as if deciding who would be first against the wall when his revolution came.