Man on train has actually paid for a seat for his bag

A MAN on a crowded train has actually bought a ticket for the bag on the seat next to him.

Martin Harper was travelling on the busy Leeds to York train when several passengers standing in the aisle began making tutting noises and pointing at the bag.

Passenger Roy Hobbs said: “I asked him ’I suppose you’ve paid for the seat your bag is sat on?’ in the most sarcastic voice I could manage. And he replied, ‘Yes, I have,’ and showed me the tickets.”

Harper said: “I told Mr Hobbs that I always get tickets for my shopping, though, naturally, I only pay a child’s fare because it does not contain anything that is over 14 years of age.

“Mr Hobbs then suggested that I should perhaps get a family rail card so as to make further savings on travel for myself and my bag. But that would be immoral since my bag and I are not related.”

Harper started buying tickets for his bag a few years ago after an unfortunate incident in which he almost had to sit beside the leader of the Labour Party. He added: “He smelled of fried chicken wings.”

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Owner of outdated iPhone already in physical pain

AN owner of last year’s iPhone is already feeling shame, humiliation and actual physical pain every time he attempts to use it. 

Account manager Tom Booker, who was proud of his iPhone until today, is now unable to remove it from his pocket without a spike of agony behind his eyes. 

He said: “I used to hold it in my hand, but today I’ve had to put it on the desk because touching its repulsive surface makes my skin crawl. 

“And it’s so slow. I could draw chalk pictures on a slate faster than Instagram updates on this antiquated Victorian rotary-dial telephonic device. 

“Also, and I don’t remember this from yesterday, the black void of the headphone socket ceaselessly whispers that it wants to devour my spirit, which makes it hard to concentrate on work. 

“Aaaah! The home button, it burns! Quick! Throw it in water!”