Grandad rings up for help deleting his Ashley Madison profile

YOUR grandfather has phoned up to get help deleting his profile from hacked sex contacts site Ashley Madison.

The 81-year-old recently bought a computer after mastering basic internet skills at an evening class called ‘Introduction to Computing’.

He said: “I just pressed a load of buttons and before I knew it I had set up something under the name ‘silver_fox_30’ and entered my credit card details.

“It’s all a bit of a mix up, I was only trying to buy a book about diesel trains off Amazon.

“Of course I immediately tried to delete it all which is how I accidentally filled out the sections saying I was ‘open to tantric sex’ and ‘experimenting with sensual massage’.

“You know I get a bit confused these days. Now I just want to get rid of it all, and also some photos on the hard drive that aren’t relevant any more.

“They’re just of some historic buildings, your nan doesn’t need to see them.”

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Hard left actually a retired teacher with a duffle coat

BRITAIN’S hard left consists of a 67 year-old former teacher who likes to collect different types of tea.

After claims the hard left was infiltrating the Labour Party, it now appears that the main threat to the capitalist system is ageing Marxist and keen gardener Martin Bishop.

Bishop said: “I strongly believe in the overthrow of the parasitic capitalist class, but ideally not on a Wednesday because that’s when I go to my over-60s Zumba class.

“The proletariat will inevitably rise up and take control of the means of production using force if necessary, but I won’t be manning the barricades myself due to prostate issues.

“Also I’m not in favour of shooting policemen because although they are agents of class oppression they did help me find my missing cat, Trotsky.”

Bishop has now been placed under surveillance in case he returns to earlier revolutionary activities such as carrying an ‘If the Tories get up your nose, picket!’ placard during an NUT strike in 1981.

An MI5 source said: “Hobbs may appear harmless but he could easily join the Labour party and vote for hardline Stalinist policies like cheaper train fares.”