Neighbour celebrates 10 years of hammering the shit out of something

NEIGHBOURS of a man in Stevenage have confirmed that Roy Hobbs has completed 10 years of hammering the absolute shit out of something in his house.

Hobbs’ neighbours said he has been hammering pretty much all day, everyday without anybody knowing exactly what it is he is hammering.

Stephen Malley said: “We moved here 10 years ago. And he was hammering the shit out of something then and he’s still hammering the shit out of it now.”

Nikki Hollis, Hobbs’ neighbour on the other side,  said, “You’d think he was building a fucking ark in there.

“Don’t get me wrong, he’s a nice bloke who always says ‘hello’ and that. He’s just always hammering the shit out of something.”

Tom Booker who lives at the back of Hobbs added: “I saw him come into the garden one day and I asked him how the carpentry was coming along.

“He gave me this puzzled look, as if I’d asked him how his BBC Christmas extravaganza was coming along.

“Thirty seconds later the hammering started up again.”

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Boris still not likeable

THE Mayor of London is still not particularly likeable despite a sustained campaign of antics.

Researchers found that despite Boris Johnson’s unruly hair, physical clumsiness and mild resistance to police authority, less than four per cent of Britons actually like him.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Never has someone had so many of the characteristics of likeability without actually being likeable.

“A grown man of not inconsiderable girth giving his wife a backie on his bike should scream ‘amiable maverick’ but somehow you just want to push him off.

“It all seems a bit contrived and stunt-y. Like he’s the Evil Knievel of affability.”

Plumber Roy Hobbs said: “On the one hand, Boris does a lot of amusing cock-ups, often involving elements of physical comedy.

“On the other, he’s a twat.”