Grandmother given obscene birthday card

A MAN who loves humorous ‘bad taste’ birthday cards believed one would be appropriate for his 80-year-old grandmother.

Wayne Hayes felt no one could fail to be amused by the card depicting a prim 1950s housewife with the contrasting message ‘Happy fucking birthday, you manky old slutbag!’.

Hayes said: “I gave the exact same card to my mate Emma on her 40th and she pissed herself, so naturally I assumed a much older woman of a totally different generation would like it too.

“However when I gave the card to my gran she went pale and said ‘What a wicked, wicked thing to say’. Then she put it in the bin and threatened to ‘box my ears’.

“I tried to explain, but she still looked very suspicious. Thank god I got her a box of Celebrations or she’d still think I was literally telling her to fuck off for being a slag.”

He added: “The card didn’t go down well on that occasion but I still find them unbelievably hilarious, so my dad’s definitely getting one with a Victorian gentleman on the front saying ‘Have a fucking shit Father’s Day, you bent twat!’”

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Row turns ugly as wife compared to Brexit

A MARITAL argument has turned unexpectedly ugly after a man told his wife she was ‘like Brexit’.

The argument between 31-year-old Joseph Turner and wife Carla began over a pair of shoes, but has now expanded to cover the UK’s exit from the European Union and its economic ramifications.

Joe Turner said: “You’re like fucking Brexit, you are. All big talk and promises but when the bills come you’ve got no fucking money.

“One minute we need to take back control and remortgage the house, the next you’d always said that we might have to sell my motorbike. Fucking Brexit.”

Carla replied: “How dare you call me Brexit. You’re Brexit.

“You’re always like ‘I’m gonna do something really stupid now because I’m in a bad fucking mood, and then I’ll refuse to admit it was a dickhead idea’. Totally Brexit.”

The couple made-up two hours later after realising that no matter how bad things are at least they are not Scottish.