Grown man has irrational fear of kids doing wheelies

A MIDDLE-AGED man feels illogically threatened by 13-year-olds larking about on BMXs as if they might do something terrible to him.

Roy Hobbs, 45, is no wimp and has never been challenged by the local youngsters, but nonetheless is weirdly afraid of them, especially when they do wheelies.

Hobbs said: “It’s ridiculous. I know they’re not going to circle round me laughing and jeering, then move in for the kill and pummel me to death with their bikes.

“It’s probably because when I was 11 I felt threatened by 13-year-olds, so 30 years later I’ve still got this silly lingering fear. They’re not really going to do anything horrific to me. Probably.

“There’s something about them doing wheelies in particular, almost as if they’re out of control and slightly feral. I’d be fine if they wore bicycle clips and did left and right hand signals like in cycling proficiency.

“I really must stop this ridiculous paranoid fantasy that they’re going to attack and I’ll never see my family and home again. Oh god. Here they come now. I’d better go.”

When asked if they intended to do Hobbs any harm, the BMX youngsters said, “Who?”

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Git 'pops round' without texting first

A WOMAN who visits with no prior warning is a pain in the arse, her friends have confirmed.

Emma Bradford regularly visits without even sending a text, throwing people into a panic if they are doing things like slobbing out watching Eastenders in their pants.

Friend Nikki Hollis said: “Emma ‘popped round’ yesterday, leaving me wondering who the fuck it was at the door while I frantically tried to change into my jeans from my manky dressing gown.

“Still, it wasn’t as bad as when she visited when I was splitting up with my boyfriend and we all had to drink tea cheerfully for an hour before getting back to being really upset.”

Fellow friend Tom Logan said: “You don’t come round unannounced just because someone once politely said ‘pop in if you’re in the area’. No one means that bollocks.  

“It’s not that I don’t want to see Emma. I’d just prefer to know if I need to tidy up embarrassing stuff like loads of empty beer cans and my box set of The Flash.”

Bradford said: “I’m going to pop round to Kirsty’s at 9am tomorrow. She’ll like that after she’s been drinking heavily the night before and is probably still covered in kebab sauce.”