EU imposes tariffs on fat American golf twats

THE EU has imposed a 40 per cent tariff on overweight American golf tossers flying over here to lumber around a green near a castle.

Patronising Americans who flock to Europe with overpriced clubs they are too unfit to even pull around in a bag on wheels will be charged a tariff on entry and further fees for calling anything ‘quaint’.

European Commission president Jean-Claude Juncker said: “A tariff on baseball caps. A tariff on 3XL polo shirts. A tariff on tiny, piggy eyes blinking out from a wall of sagging flesh.

“It might appear we are specifically imposing a trade barrier on President Trump and his followers that closely resemble him, and yes, that is entirely the case.

“You want to come to Scotland and show an uninterested barman your 12-page genealogy proving you’re descended from Bonnie Prince Charlie? From now on it will cost you to come over here and patronise everyone.”

US tourist Wayne Hayes said: “I don’t know what the fuss is about. The only steel Europe makes is for suits of armour and enchanted swords.”

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How much pasta should you cook to make the sadness go away?

COOKING the right amount of pasta is notoriously difficult. Take our simple quiz to find out how much to cook to make the sadness go away.

How sad do you feel?

A. I feel constantly sad. Nothing makes the sadness go away. I am hoping pasta might fill the void.
B. I’m not sad, I’m just cooking pasta.

How much pasta do you usually cook?

A. As much as I can fit into the pan without it all burning around the sides. Also if I’m completely honest, sometimes I don’t cook it and just crunch it straight out of the packet. It doesn’t taste good, but what else is there except pasta? So, all in all, quite a lot of pasta.

B. Usually a bit too much. I always end up with more than I need, but when that happens I save the rest for lunch the next day.

Do you really believe the sadness will go away if you eat enough pasta?

A. I feel if I eat enough pasta it will fill the gnawing emptiness at the core of my existence. I’ve tried loads of things but I’m certain pasta is the key to feeling less sad. Even if it’s just for a little while.

B. No. Look, I’m not trying to make the sadness go away. I’m just making dinner.

Mostly As: Keep cooking as much pasta as you can. It is a well-known comfort food and will therefore fill the void in your life. You just need to eat enough of it. Bon appetit.

Mostly Bs: You’re in denial. Stop lying to yourself and make more pasta.