Grumpy bastards secretly delighted to see Christmas decorations going up

PEOPLE with nothing in their lives but their own incessant whining have smiled inwardly as shops start wheeling out Christmas tat.

Despite tinsel appearing on shelves at the same time every year since 1991, curmudgeons are enjoying being able to state that it all comes earlier every year.

Old bastard Martin Bishop said: “It’s all so commercialised these days. It’s been that way my entire adult life but let’s pretend it’s getting worse.

“Absurdly early Christmas decorations are like catnip for my inexhaustible, petty rage. Seeing them go up is actually a festival in itself – a perverse celebration of bitterness.

“It’ll be the bloody carol singers next. Either turning up on the doorstep and getting on my tits because I have to get out of my chair, or not turning up and making me sad about the demise of another British tradition.”

Moody grandmother Mary Fisher said: “Bloody Christmas is bloody everywhere. If it wasn’t I’d be complained about how they’ve banned it because the refugees don’t like it.

“Every alternative gives me a chance to feel thwarted.”

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Non-twat wondering why he is in ‘Chipping Norton set’

A MAN is wondering why he chooses to spend his time doing horrible things with the worst people in the world.

Businessman Roy Hobbs is starting to question his membership of the exclusive ‘Chipping Norton set’ due to everyone in it being an irredeemable tosser who most people would actively avoid.

Hobbs said: “Most of the parties are just David Cameron sucking up to that woman from the Sun, or if you’re really unlucky Alex James will start talking to you about cheese.

“At first I was flattered to be asked to join in, but that was before Jeremy Clarkson cornered me for an hour to make rehearsed jokes about why environmentalists should be shot.

“Someone invited me to a fox hunt, which was just posh yahoos getting pissed, then getting angry because someone has complained about them killing their cat, then getting pissed again.”

Hobbs said he was now thinking of leaving the Chipping Norton set in order to spend more time with people who did not make him want to join a radical left-wing terrorist group and kill them.

He added: “I mean, have you ever thought ‘Let’s invite SamCam round to talk about her bullshit job designing handbags?’ No you haven’t, because you don’t want that.”