Guardian Soulmates officially the middle class Page 3

THE Guardian website’s dating section is Page 3 for middle earners, it has been confirmed.

Although ostensibly a lonely hearts service, every day the best-looking user is featured on Guardian home page as a thinly-veiled ‘totty of the day’.

Architect Stephen Malley said: “I couldn’t get through the working day without a quick morning perv on Soulmates.

“Sometimes I just squint at the thumbnail but if no-one’s looking I will click on it.

“The combination of sexy girls and semi-ironic, culturally astute biographical information really cheers me up.

“Hats off to the Guardian for bringing saucy fun into the lives of married men who wear Converse shoes with nice jumpers.”

44-year-old Norman Cooke said: “People in the office think I’m looking for a life partner but actually I’m just filling up the spank bank in a socially acceptable manner.

“My favourite is Clara97 because she looks clever and non-threatening but also mildly dirty. Cor. Also it’s good that there are pictures of blokes too because I hate sexism.

“I hope the Guardian doesn’t find out how sexy it is or it will start a campaign to ban itself.”

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I recently had a nasty accident where I fell out of my Range Rover

Dear Holly,


I recently had a nasty accident where I fell out of my Range Rover on the M1, and the worst thing is no-one believes me when I say what really happened. I had been suffering from a strong head cold that day and I’ll admit I had eaten at least 25 packets of Hall’s Soothers. That combined with the saxophone solo in Careless Whisper was giving me a soporific sense of well-being. Suddenly I saw Andrew Ridgely beckoning me from outside the car. I opened the door and reached for my old friend as I heard myself calling “I’m never gonna dance again”…Next thing I know I’m in hospital, and everyone is looking at me like I’ve been bad. How can I prove my innocence and find out what Andrew was trying to tell me?



Dear George,

It sounds to me like you have an invisible friend, which isn’t a very good sign. A boy at my school called Martin Paterson has an invisible friend named Fat Jim. Fat Jim tells Martin to do lots of things, like set fire to cats and try to look up girls’ skirts. He also makes Martin hit himself on the head with his Spiderman pencil case while singing Rock-A-Bye Baby over and over again. No-one except Martin has ever seen Fat Jim but there’s no doubt that he exists – how else do you explain how he wrote his name in dog poo on our Headmaster’s new car?

Hope that helps!