Gumtree landlords to take an 'Are you a f**king maniac?' test 

PEOPLE renting out properties on Gumtree are to be made to take a test to determine whether or not they are maniacs.

The new test will ask questions such as ‘Are you fucking mental?’ and ‘Are you acting nice now but as soon as I sign a contract and give you the deposit are you going to start acting mental?’.

Roy Hobbs, who rents out a room through Gumtree, said: “I’m hoping I can lure a student in to essentially pay my bills for the pleasure of sleeping in this large cupboard.

“I’ll be as nice as pie when they come to see it but as soon as they hand over any money it’s cuckoo time.

“I have ‘unconventional’ political views and like to discuss them at three in the morning. Also, you have to clean my car.”

Hobbs then danced a jig while opening a can of Heldenbrau Super.

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Man unveils plan to burn the crap out of a pizza at 3am 

A MAN has announced he will be arriving home drunk around three in the morning and then burning the shit out of a frozen pizza.

Martin Bishop also revealed that the burning pizza will set off the smoke alarm and wake all of his neighbours.

He said: “I just want my neighbours to know now so they don’t make any plans to sleep right through the night or anything.

“They could even set their alarm for maybe 2.55am just so they’re not shocked by the incredibly loud noise.

“I imagine it’s quite loud, but I only ever hear it when I’m drunk so it doesn’t really register with me.”

He added: “I’ll definitely be bleary eyed and apologetic though.

“Standing on the landing with no trousers on with one shoe saying, ‘I’m sorry, I know I keep doing this’.

“Thank you for your attention. Good day. ”