Gyms return to serene emptiness

BRITAIN’S gyms have again become places of calm and spirituality, undisturbed by the general public.

Gyms, swimming pools and fitness centres have for the last month thronged with sweaty, bloated humans in brand new lycra.

FitLife personal trainer Helen Archer said: “They join every January and then melt away like snow.

“As soon as the last one has gone we’ll stop playing N Dubz over the PA, it’ll be Brian Eno’s soothing ambient work instead.

“For eleven months of the year we trainers are more like scholarly priests, we sit around on the rowing machines reading, meditating and writing lengthy tracts on obscure areas of philosophy.

“Sometimes a thrush or chaffinch will fly in through an open window to perch on the handlebars of an exercise bike. We welcome nature and see it as sacred.”

She added: “We need your direct debits throughout the year to fund our mind-temple, but January is so taxing and repetitious.

“You don’t realise we get these muscles from advanced mental techniques, available only to the most evolved beings, where we just think about having abs and it happens.”

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Sellafield using stolen Pope blood to make super-villain

THE Sellafield nuclear plant has been closed so the reactor can be used to make a super-villain out of stolen Pope blood.

Experts said it was ‘no coincidence’ the plant was suddenly off limits just days after a vial of Pope John Paul II’s blood was stolen from a castle on top of a mountain.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “When I heard the Papal blood had been stolen I said to my wife, ‘next stop Sellafield – I wonder what excuse they’ll come up with’.

“A teaspoonful of the Pope blood will be combined with the nuclear reactions to create a diabolical megalomaniac who will stop at nothing. It’s really bad.”

Professor Brubaker added: “I warned the government about this, but they wouldn’t listen. I think they might be in on it.

“Michael Gove is probably inside the big ball thing at Sellafield, running his hands over the creature’s glistening torso and grinning like a psychopath.”

The professor said he would now have to create a superhero using one of Nelson Mandela’s eyelashes, a microwave and a hurricane.