Happiness peaks at 70 ‘when you stop giving a shit’

PEOPLE become happiest aged 70 when other people’s opinions cease to matter, it has emerged.

Researchers found that a general sense of wellbeing started to rise from 60 onwards as people gave up trying to look presentable and bought shoes that were really comfortable and would probably outlive them.

Roy Hobbs, 69, said: “That bloke whose company I’ve tolerated since I was in my 30s because we share mutual friends dropped dead last week. It was like finding money in an old jacket.

“I didn’t even have to go to his funeral – I just cited one of the many ailments you can pretend to have at this age so people will leave you alone.

“Instead, I drove to B&Q in a tatty old Skoda to buy some potting compost, listening to Radio 2 and wearing a cardigan that had egg stains on it. It was fucking magic.”

Hobbs added: “I haven’t got dressed in a week, I can tell you every house that’s been sold on Homes Under The Hammer since 2010 and I had wine for breakfast.

“Enjoy your commute, kids.”

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All doctors smoke

ALL doctors smoke fags, it has been confirmed.

Senior medical professionals have revealed that they are all addicted to cigarettes, and that they are often having one within five minutes of giving out stern health advice.

Doctor Emma Bradford spent yesterday afternoon warning patients about everything from cholesterol to tobacco and alcohol consumption, before going to smoke a gasper by some bins.

Patient Tom Booker said: “She was really hardcore with me during my check-up because I am half a stone overweight and I need to eat more apples. But all the time I could see she had a packet of Bensons on her desk, half-concealed under a heap of x-rays.”

Bradford said: “After a tough morning of check-ups and diagnoses, you need a fag.

“It’s my life anyway. I don’t see how it’s anyone else’s business.”

Fellow GP Norman Steele said: “All doctors smoke, and the more senior doctors will smoke up to three cigarettes in one fag break.

“There’s even a special cigarette brand called ‘Medic Deluxe’ that only doctors can buy. They’re really strong.”