Hard-up estate agents forced to live in cosy, characterful properties

THE slowdown in the property market has forced estate agents to move to properties they would describe as ‘cosy and with bags of charm’.

It has emerged that a quarter of high street estate agents are showing signs of financial distress and staff are buying properties they normally foist on to other suckers.

Tom Logan said: “I’ve just downsized to a no-bedroomed executive-style apartment with real character.

“The aspect is fantastic, it’s light and airy, it’s a real DIY enthusiast’s paradise.

“It is not a shithole.”

He added: “I’m so glad I live in such an upwardly mobile area.

“I really feel like I’m ahead of the curve and it’s not a nightmare at all.”

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Prick from school now describing himself as an 'influencer'

THE worst prick from your school is now publicly calling himself an ‘influencer’, it has emerged.

Tom Booker, a devious little shit you assumed was going to be an letting agent, is instead putting a lot of selfies on Instagram and referring to himself ‘a brand ambassador in waiting’.

The egregious tosser, whose last interaction with you was egging your mum’s car on results day, also has his own website where he calls himself a ‘thinkfluencer’ and claims his endorsement will boost sales.

Booker said, like the twat he is: “I stand at the intersection of the millennial and Gen-Z demographics, making me a perfect partner for your product or brand.

“Let my perfectly smooth skin and unnaturally white teeth serve as the perfect visual accompaniment to whatever it is you’re selling – I, and my Snapchat followers, are ready to join you on your journey of ideas.”

He continued, in words almost designed to make you want to punch him in the face like you did that time he filled your shoes with water in year 10: “I am not just an influencer; I am also a microblogger, a vlogger, a neo-flaneur, a creative curator and a content maven.

“I am Tom. I am 2018.”

He added that his brand strategy was to get a slot on Love Island and ‘leverage the exposure’ into becoming some kind of fucking ‘consultant’, which is somehow even worse than being a letting agent.