'Have I told you I'm in therapy now?' asks friend who talks about nothing else

A WOMAN who has started therapy mentions it in every single conversation, it has emerged.

Susan Traherne, 29, is delighted with the progress she is making in analysis, and loves relaying that information to friends, colleagues, acquaintances and people who sit next to her on public transport.

Friend Mary Fisher said: “I used to feel like I was her therapist, so I was glad when she sought professional help, but now I feel like she’s trying to recruit me to a cult instead.

“We were talking about The Sopranos the other day and it turned into a tribute to the power of therapy.

“Even when I told her I was buying a new sofa and she started bollocking on about the one in her therapist’s office.

“A chat about the weather turned into an account of how therapy has taught her to view negative thoughts as dark clouds in an otherwise blue sky.”

Other sources have voiced irritation with Traherne’s use of the terms ‘reframing’, ‘radical self-care’ and ‘self-actualisation’, which are now liberally scattered throughout her speech.

Meanwhile, Traherne’s therapist Roy Hobbs said: “That poor girl. In my professional opinion, she’s surrounded by a pack of absolute selfish fuckbags.”

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Theresa May not speaking to public until they say sorry

THE prime minister is not speaking to the people of Britain until they apologise, and is furious that they do not seem to have noticed. 

According to Downing Street sources, the silence is set to continue until a particular, very specific apology has been received but it is up to the public to work out exactly what it is.

The source continued: “Apparently you’ve really done it this time.

“She is stalking around the place banging drawers, slamming doors and watching old Midsomer Murders with her arms folded in a very pointed way.

“And the fact that not one single person out of 65 million has so far spotted that they’re getting the silent treatment has made it much, much worse. She’s livid.

“All I know is that it’s not just the election, it’s the way the public have behaved or their attitude, or so I think she’s hinting. Anyway, we need a ‘sorry’ or we’ll never hear the end of it.”

Joe Turner of Canterbury said: “Oh, I know full well she’s in a mood. I’m just enjoying the peace and quiet.”