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Heartwarming: this grandad keeps traditional bigotry alive by hating the French

IN turbulent times, one 82-year-old is bucking modern trends of racial and xenophobic hatred by reserving his ire for one specific group: the French.

Grandfather-of-six Bill McKay, who was born long after the Napoleonic Wars, has cast aside suggestions he reframe his bigotry against those of a particular colour or religion because he feels it is his patriotic duty as an Englishman to loathe anyone called Pierre.

He said: “Those unwashed, onion-wearing, Gauloises-smoking bastards turn my stomach, and they always have. Give me an Afghan or a Kurd any day.

“The papers are always going on about small boats, but why are they coming here? To escape the laziness and sexual licentiousness of those Frog bastards, and who can blame them? We should flood the Chunnel.”

Asked how his inspirational flame of hatred for our continental neighbours burns so bright, Bill explained that it is because they are like us but different and their chips are too thin.

He continued: “With a Cambodian bloke you know where you stand. The French? You never know when they’ll offer you what seems like a normal sausage but it’s got garlic in.

“I refuse to support any party that recognises France as a nation. Farage? No better than Pétain as far as I’m concerned. Brexit didn’t go far enough.

“We should evict them from their embassy and turned it into a shelter for homeless veterans. It’s time we looked after our own, not those Camembert-cramming cocks.”

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Six prizes Trump has never won, and his geopolitical reaction

BEING snubbed for the Nobel Peace Prize has prompted Trump to become a dedicated warmonger. This is how he’d cope with losing out on other accolades: 

The Rear of the Year award

It’s no longer running, Trump’s sedentary buttocks cannot compare to the shapely behinds of previous winners Charlotte Church and Rachel Stevens. But if he ever learns he lost out to Andy Murray in 2019, a Brazilian butt lift will be booked and his new ass given three hours of prime-time coverage across all channels. War would be better.

The Booker Prize

Not for the £50,000 prize money, which is nothing to him. Not being recognised as a towering intellectual genius, even though The Art of the Deal outsold Midnight’s Children by an estimated two billion copies? Outrageous liberal bias. In response, Trump would declare all books a Democrat plot and have them all burned, including the Bible.

Brit Award for best hip hop/grime/rap act

Having long eyed this gong, Trump’s vengeance will be merciless. Harsh tariffs will be imposed on the Amen break in an effort to force London’s underground scene into submission. If other genres come to its defence then embargoes on autotune and sampling recent pop hits will follow, as will the total collapse of the UK music industry.

The Duke of Edinburgh’s Award

The Duke of Edinburgh’s Award isn’t a competition. It’s an achievement that recognises dedication, confidence and personal development. And Trump doesn’t have one? He’ll hit back by creating the Donald Trump Award For Bigly Excellence, awarded to anyone who destroys the hopes and dreams of aspirational young people in the UK.

Winner of the St Stephen’s Primary School egg and spoon race

No trophy is too small for Trump. Even coming second in a sports day race would incur his bitter wrath, leading to a shock and awe airstrike on the school playing field while Navy SEALS airlift Year 6 PE teacher Mr Booker to Guantanamo Bay for waterboarding. Not even all-powerful Ofsted can stop this.

The Turner Prize

Being American – and the only artwork he’s ever created being in Jeffrey Epstein’s birthday book – precludes Trump from winning the Turner Prize, but that wouldn’t stop him from retaliating. Like many purposeless old people, he’d spend years in watercolour classes and win with a genuinely accomplished and thought-provoking entry. Then nuke Tate Britain.

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