Helmet camera cyclist thinks he’s Judge Dredd

A CYCLIST with a helmet camera has vowed to bring justice to the roads in the uncompromising style of Judge Dredd, it has emerged.

Website designer Martin Bishop believes he has much in common with 2000AD comic’s fascist lawman, although he is more likely to argue sanctimoniously with wrongdoers than kill them.

Bishop said: “Much as Dredd enforces the law in Mega-City One with his motorbike and massive gun, I uphold the Highway Code by cycling round Tewkesbury with a little camera on my head.

“If someone fails to leave adequate space while overtaking, I’m not afraid to take the law into my own hands and pedal after them frantically, hoping they stop at a junction before I run out of puff.

“When I confront the motorist – or ‘perp’, as I call them – I dispense justice as I see fit. It could be a stern talking-to, waggling my finger or threatening to put the video on YouTube.

“I am the law. And not, as someone claimed yesterday, ‘a wanker’.”

Bishop admitted that upholding the law could be stressful, which was probably the cause of a recurring nightmare in which arch-enemy Judge Death cuts him up in a Fiat Uno.

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Well, that’s Valentine’s out of the way. Now all you have to do is get no Easter eggs and there’s nothing to remind you of how desperately lonely you are until Christmas. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
On Friday you call the fire brigade because there’s a cat stuck up a tree, and when they say it’s not a genuine emergency you helpfully set fire to the tree then call them back. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
It’s a good week for you romantically, as you begin a new relationship with fantastic sex, and a bad week financially as your husband finds out and closes the joint account. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
On Thursday you reset your iPhone calendar to 1/1/1970 and accidentally end up with big bushy sideburns and medium-level racism.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Kanye West is also a Gemini, and boy have you guys been having an up-and-down couple of weeks. Maybe tweet less? 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It’s so cold over the weekend that you don’t move from under your duvet, which makes the visit to IKEA interesting.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
While you’d consider yourself more a dog person than a cat person, either will do if you’re hungry enough.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Hey, babe, are you this format of joke? Because everyone has had a go at you and I’m utterly sick of the sight of you.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
A big gravitational wave passing through your sign today makes you feel slow, bloated and stuck to the settee. Basically it’s PMS on a cosmic scale. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Just discreetly mention your star sign when boarding any British Airways flight to be instantly upgraded to first class. If it doesn’t work the first time, mention it louder. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You love Moroccan street food, arthouse cinema and big boobs, although not in that order.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Elvis, J Edgar Hoover and Al Capone were all Capricorns, and they were all pretty similar characters so this horoscope business is definitely worth paying attention to.