Hipsters denied right to verbal communication

TRENDY, irony-obsessed young people are to be rendered mute and may only express their facile opinions via sandwich boards, it has been confirmed.

The nationwide program to pluck out hipsters’ tongues with rusty pliers was instigated after the 10,000th incidence of a young male with knowing facial hair and an interesting hat being overheard discoursing on how ‘the Nazis were actually pretty cool because their uniforms were designed by Hugo Boss’ or some equivalent, weapons-grade bullshit.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “‘Hipster’ is a nebulous term but often the males look like stupider, more handsome versions of Daniel Kitson, while the girls currently have tattoos of cheesecakes and heavy spectacles with sarcasm-tinted lenses. They are loud and have never suffered.

“Basically they are the diametric opposite of Harry Patch.”

The first mass hipster muting took place in a Dalston warehouse last night, where they were lured by Facebook messages advertising an underground party where Djs including the Spunk Fist Tag Team and Blaze Cyborg Jnr would be playing ‘Italian vampire lesbian film soundtracks, ghetto-mong and skiffle, plus live paedophile VJs and human jenga’.

Muted hipster Tom Logan said via his sandwich board: “Stocky men held me down and repeatedly slapped me in the face until I was unconscious. When I woke up my mouth was very sore and empty.”

He then wrote: “Anyway after that we went and did shitloads of coke at Jamie’s place in Peckham and stayed up all night, then went to the shop and bought loads of cheap old school 80s sweets like flying saucers and shit, y’know, and just sort of threw them at each other in the street while burning around on our fixed wheel bikes.

“Also, I’m directing a short film about Godzilla in a breakdancing competition. And I’m collaborating on a piece of great immersive comedy theatre about moustaches and cot death. It’s rad.”

Onlooker Roy Hobbs said: “You have to hand it to the little fucker, despite his drastic change in circumstances he’s still determined to be an absolute twat and that does show some integrity.”

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Ferguson criticises envelope

SIR Alex Ferguson has questioned the fitness of the stationery that was used to deliver his touchline ban.

FA officials imposed the ban after the permanently enfunked Manchester United manager fired a dead horse at a referee in protest at a disputed throw-in.

They then retreated to their unmarked concrete bunker and their whereabouts will remain secret until Ferguson starts giving interviews with Sky Sports again.

But Sir Alex immediately questioned the ban, saying: “The GSM of this paper isn’t fit to grace my mailbox and I’m pretty sure the tree it was produced from was owned by a Russian billionaire.

“In my day bans used to arrive hand written on a heavy vellum scroll, delivered by a proper, uniformed page. It was a typographically-ornate man’s game in those days.”

The FA will now investigate Ferguson’s criticism of the font they used to write the phrases ‘stunning hypocrite’ and ‘immensely unlikeable old ballbag’.

Meanwhile the ban will require Ferguson to watch the next five United games from inside a cage suspended from an airship 300ft above the pitch.

He will be delivered to the cage on a gurney in the manner of Hannibal Lecter in Silence Of The Lambs while the FA has also made it clear it will not tolerate Ferguson commenting on the toughness of any match official’s nipples.

But Ferguson was unrepentant, adding: “There’s a lack of quality in stationery throughout the game, from the stiffness of the red cards my players very, very occasionally get, to the court bundles we use to secure those super-injunctions to stop people knowing why that church in Stretford had to be deconsecrated.”