TRENDY, irony-obsessed young people are to be rendered mute and may only express their facile opinions via sandwich boards, it has been confirmed.
The nationwide program to pluck out hipsters’ tongues with rusty pliers was instigated after the 10,000th incidence of a young male with knowing facial hair and an interesting hat being overheard discoursing on how ‘the Nazis were actually pretty cool because their uniforms were designed by Hugo Boss’ or some equivalent, weapons-grade bullshit.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “‘Hipster’ is a nebulous term but often the males look like stupider, more handsome versions of Daniel Kitson, while the girls currently have tattoos of cheesecakes and heavy spectacles with sarcasm-tinted lenses. They are loud and have never suffered.
“Basically they are the diametric opposite of Harry Patch.”
The first mass hipster muting took place in a Dalston warehouse last night, where they were lured by Facebook messages advertising an underground party where Djs including the Spunk Fist Tag Team and Blaze Cyborg Jnr would be playing ‘Italian vampire lesbian film soundtracks, ghetto-mong and skiffle, plus live paedophile VJs and human jenga’.
Muted hipster Tom Logan said via his sandwich board: “Stocky men held me down and repeatedly slapped me in the face until I was unconscious. When I woke up my mouth was very sore and empty.”
He then wrote: “Anyway after that we went and did shitloads of coke at Jamie’s place in Peckham and stayed up all night, then went to the shop and bought loads of cheap old school 80s sweets like flying saucers and shit, y’know, and just sort of threw them at each other in the street while burning around on our fixed wheel bikes.
“Also, I’m directing a short film about Godzilla in a breakdancing competition. And I’m collaborating on a piece of great immersive comedy theatre about moustaches and cot death. It’s rad.”
Onlooker Roy Hobbs said: “You have to hand it to the little fucker, despite his drastic change in circumstances he’s still determined to be an absolute twat and that does show some integrity.”