Holiday weather shrouded in lies and secrecy

HOLIDAY weather is the main source of dishonesty in the UK, say researchers.

The Institute for Studies found that people would rather admit to an affair with a close relative than confess a couple of wet days during their annual break.

Holidaymaker Wayne Hayes said: “The rain absolutely fucked down the whole time I was in New York so whenever anyone asks about it I just blabber about that crack whore I picked up in Central Park.

“We immersed ourselves in the city’s cultural and gastronomic delights but coming back without peeling shoulders feels somehow shameful.

“Everyone else seems to have sunny holidays and that bothers me even though it’s not like life is a relentless quest for petty one-upmanship.

“Actually, thinking about it, life is a relentless quest for petty one-upmanship.”

Travel agent Mary Fish said: “Snappy Snaps now offers a full ‘Weather Deceit’ package, digitally inserting sunshine into holiday pictures as well as photoshopping smiles onto scowling faces.

“And by next summer security scanners at UK airports will be fitted with high-intensity sunbed tubes to guarantee returning Britons the ideal ‘Tom Baker after a port and cheese bender’ skin tone.”

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Dalai Lama announces hair transplant

TIBET’S spiritual leader is to have a hair replacement operation.

The Dalai Lama said: “I saw some pictures of Wayne Rooney’s latest work and I thought, wow, he looks so much younger with a restored hairline.

“It’s hard to focus on spiritual teachings and the cause of the Tibetan people when you don’t feel confident in the way you look.

“I try to be philosophical but premature hair loss is about the worst thing that can happen to a human being.”

He added: “I’m also doing weights to get my upper arms ‘robe ready’.”