Homeless to be fined £20 million for sleeping in doorways because what f**king difference does it make?

HOMELESS people on the South Coast are to be given large fines for vagrancy because whether it is £20 or £20 million makes bugger all difference.

Tory councillors have decided it is important to impress on the homeless the immense criminality of sleeping in shop doorways, even if the fines stand precisely no chance of being paid.

Norman Steele, a Conservative councillor in Dorset, said: “These hobos are parasites, using other people’s hard-earned doorstep concrete as pillows.

“In addition to fining them, we should seize all their assets – their UK properties, their stocks and shares, as well as all foreign investments they may possess.

“If they can’t stump up the full £20 million immediately we might have to settle for a smaller sum, say £20,000. They can sell their iPhones or we can set up a payment scheme out of their benefits which they probably don’t get anyway. 

“I honestly can’t see why homeless people don’t go back to their own homes. As far as I can tell it’s just a camping holiday for louts.”

Homeless person Martin Bishop said: “I hope I don’t get fined because I’ve only got 17 pence in my savings account. By which I mean the cup next to my dog.”

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The pathetic coward's guide to dumping someone

HAS your relationship petered out but you don’t know how to call it a day respectfully? Here’s how to break someone’s heart like a spineless loser.

Text them ‘soz it’s over’

Top off this tactless message with a sad face emoji and you’re home and dry. Your ex will probably have lots of questions and need some closure which is painful and takes ages, so immediately block their number to save yourself the hassle.

Get them to do it for you

By spouting some problematic opinions or listening to the Joe Rogan podcast incessantly, you can get your long-suffering partner to do the dirty work of ending the relationship themselves. This also means you can play the victim, so it’s all pretty sweet if you don’t mind being a manipulative liar.

Pretend you’ve lost your memory

Oh no, you’ve been struck by a sudden bout of amnesia that has erased all memory of your partner. Weird. It’s not like you’re at fault here though, in fact you’re sort of a medical marvel if you think about it. Maybe write a rom-com about this and sell it to Hollywood?

Marry someone else

It’s a long game, but if you trick another person into falling in love with you, propose to them and arrange a wedding, your original significant other should get the hint when you post them an invite to the big day. To make sure there are no hard feelings let them bring a plus one.

Fake your death

It’s cheap and easy to take out an obituary to yourself in the local newspaper, and when your partner inevitably clocks it you can both start to move on. The only catch is you’ll have to keep up the pretence until you’re actually dead, which could take a while.