Homeworker discovers useful internet article about procrastination

A WOMAN who works from home has found a great article on the internet about how to stop procrastinating.

Graphic designer Nikki Hollis was finally getting around to doing some proper work at 11.34am when she stumbled on the piece titled ‘Ten Ways to Avoid Procrastinating’.

Hollis said: “I find it really hard to knuckle down, and often get sidetracked by pointless articles about Shia LeBeouf doing weird stuff. So finding this online guide to not procrastinating was a godsend.

“You can tell the writer really put a lot of thought into it. Number four is ‘go and eat an orange’, because apparently Vitamin C helps concentration. That’s the sort of expert advice I need.

“My productivity is going to go through the roof once I have finished reading this, sent the link to all my friends, then had a fag in the garden to give my eyes a rest.”

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Man says f**k you to careers advisor who claimed 'astronaut' not a real job

ASTRONAUT Tim Peake has confirmed that his school’s careers advisor can stick his Boots application forms up his arse.

As he prepares to join the crew of the International Space Station, Peake confirmed that being an astronaut is an actual job despite what bitter adults tell you when you are a kid.

He said: “When I was 15 I had to do that nonsense where you go to see a careers person who has a temporary office in a stationery cupboard.

“When I said I wanted to be an astronaut they suggested I work at Boots, the local bank or perhaps become a trainee butcher.

“He also gave me a leaflet about apprenticeships in a shoe factory in Swindon. I said I wanted a leaflet about how to be an astronaut, in space.

“They replied simply ‘fannying about in space is not a job’ and suggested that if I was interested in long journeys I could work as a salesperson in a travel agency.

“The first thing I’m going to do when we get to the ISS is go up to a window and give my old careers advisor the space finger.”

He added: “I am an astronaut and it is the bollocks.”