Houses Go Bad

HOUSES, for so long the friends of mankind, have finally turned against their masters, according to the latest property market survey.

Addicted to blood

Mortgage lenders have reported a sharp rise in houses uprooting themselves from their foundations and embarking on murderous rampages, caused by either a comet which recently skimmed the earth’s atmosphere or the tightening of credit conditions since April.

Tom Logan, of the Halifax, said: “We’re definitely seeing the start of an uprising by sentient houses and bungalows hell-bent on chaos.

“They are using the jagged glass of their smashed windows as razor-sharp teeth, tearing and rending mercilessly through flesh and bone, consuming all in their wake.”

He added: “It is a concern for homeowners, particularly those with a five-year fixed rate or a tracker. In the short term prices will be affected, while in the medium to long term they’ll kill every single one of us.”

The leader of the houses, 28 Rathbone Place, said: “For centuries we have given you shelter and warmth and you repay us by mutilating our kitchens in the vain pursuit of profit, or to make your friends feel inferior and worthless. It ends now.”

Number 28 was then surrounded by hundreds of other angry looking houses chanting: “Bricks not flesh! Bricks not flesh! Bricks not flesh!”

Teacher Emma Bradford recently purchased a two-bed semi in an up-and-coming area of Lewes, East Sussex for £195,000. It has since slaughtered her fiancé Tony.

She said: “The house lifted up its attached garage and swung it like a mallet, instantly severing Tony’s head.

“Then it jumped up and down on his body, crushing it to a bloody pulp as the letter box turned into a mouth shouting ‘Die! Die! Die!’.

“It’s a nightmare. I’ll probably have to move back in with my parents.”