THE number of people buying houses has been linked to what a massive ball-ache it is.
Reduced lending and market instability were considered major factors, but new research suggests it is caused by curtains and the poles to which they are attached.
House mover Wayne Hayes said: “After painting this overpriced pile of shit for nine hours straight to cover the handiwork of the previous owner’s brood of arseholes, I ate cold beans from a tin.
“Because apparently shops need six week’s notice to deliver a cooker, like you’ve just asked them to conjure up a unicorn made from nougat.”
The popularity of moving house was much higher when it simply consisted of comically over-filling a van with furniture and driving 500 yards up the road.
But as the number of companies that need to be notified surpassed the number of humans listed in the Domesday Book, more people are deciding to put up with the place they currently despise.
Hayes added: “Seriously, fuck this. I’m not moving again, even if it’s gradually filling up with a poisonous black ooze.
“Anyway, I now have to wait for an electrician to take my money and look at me like I just invited his nan to a cock-fight.”