How aggressive are the notes you leave on car windscreens?

YOU wouldn’t be British if you didn’t scrawl furious notes and leave them under others’ windscreen wipers, but are they aggressive enough? Take our quiz: 

Do you open: 

a) Dear Bastard
b) Dear Stupid Bastard
c) To Mr Stupid Bastard and/or Miss Dumb Bitch

How much do you assume you know about the driver? 

a) Enough to know they shouldn’t have fucking parked there
b) Enough to know they have parked there because they’re a fucking dick
c) Everything, which makes parking there like a fucking dick exactly the kind of arsehole thing they always do and means they need to learn

Do you accuse the driver of: 

a) Their specific crime, on this occasion, which could be an one-off error
b) Knowing exactly what your situation is and that you needed to get home early with a one-year-old with a cold
c) Being everything wrong with Britain today, and Brexit

Is your note written in: 

a) Lower case with capitals where grammatically correct
b) ALL CAPS
c) ALL CAPS WITH BOLD, UNDERLINING, EXCLAMATION MARKS

Is your note: 

a) Going viral locally
b) Going viral nationwide
c) In the Daily Mail as an example of why we should bring back hanging

ANSWERS

Mostly a: You were right to say something

Mostly b: It was about 50-50, looking back

Mostly c: You were completely and totally in the wrong but will never, ever admit it

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Britain's favourite sexual position is watching television

BRITAIN’S favourite sexual position is watching the television, according to a new survey.

Tom Logan and his girlfriend Emma Thomas, who have been together for eight years, are among the 95 percent of long-term couples that prefer to have sex this way.

Logan said: “We thought our sex life was dead but then Emma she suggested we try something new that she’d ‘seen in a magazine’, which got me quite excited. It was the Radio Times.

“She told me to stay fully dressed and sit on the sofa with my eyes open. She then gripped tightly onto the remote, one thing led to another and before you know it we were watching a repeat of QI on Dave.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Insititute for Studies, said: “Unlike, for example, the Reverse Dutch Steamboat, the the position is fairly straightforward. Also both parties are almost guaranteed to experience a climax, albeit within the narrative structure of what they’re watching.”

He added: “It is actually very difficult to conceive a child this way. I know I shouldn’t really have to point that out, but this is 21st-century Britain.”