How to be a free speech bellend

‘FREE speech’ is the latest buzz-phrase for right-wingers and ranters. Here’s how to bang on about it furiously without understanding it.

Have a very limited definition of it

By ‘free speech’ you really mean ‘me droning on about my predictable right-wing obsessions’, which are ALWAYS transgenderism, ‘woke’, BLM, etc. If aliens landed tomorrow, they would assume ‘free speech’ meant hating feminists.

Post a quote you don’t really understand

‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’ is what you should be posting furiously with a picture of Voltaire, even though he didn’t actually say it. Worse still, it refers to his right to criticise religion. And the bastard was French.  

Look thick as pigshit

Talk a lot about ‘free speech’, but in a way that shows you haven’t given it two seconds thought, eg. ‘Brexit is my freedom of speech. So shut up, Remoaners.’

Use it in a trivial context 

‘Free speech’ is often used in the context of oppressive regimes that do terrible things to dissidents. If you’re Piers Morgan or one of his supporters, claim a tabloid TV interview with celebrity royals is ‘a hill to die on’, even though no one has been killed or tortured, except perhaps those who watched the whole two hours.

Be hilariously paranoid

If a few leftie students are trying to no-platform some oddball speaker, it’s clearly only a matter of time before Winston Churchill is completely erased from British history, right? 

Oppose free speech 

Don’t even pretend not to be totally partisan. Make it clear that you think the people being censored and persecuted are Laurence Fox, Nigel Farage and Tommy Robinson. Then when someone has the temerity to point out this is bollocks, say it’s an attack on your free speech.

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Nigel Slater's midweek shitfaced meals

IT’S Wednesday, you’ve celebrated with a few drinks, and you fancy doing some cooking. Let intellectual food writer Nigel Slater show you how: 

Homemade pizza

There’s nothing like homemade pizza and you’ve probably got all the ingredients, there’s all kinds of shit in these cupboards. Get a bewildering assortment of pans out, stare at them confused while finishing your drink, grab a Mario’s Pizza flyer and a phone, wait 20 minutes.

A disgusting fry-up

Ah, the sense-memories a drunken fry-up can conjure. For best results, cook some sausages from frozen until they’re horribly burnt but may still give you food poisoning. Add handfuls of random crap while swigging wine from the bottle – raw broccoli, savoury rice, a couple of eggs – then smother the blackened mess in ketchup, take one mouthful and scrape into the bin.

A cheese sandwich

Starting to feel iffy and need something to line your stomach? Slices of flavourless Tesco mild cheddar luxuriating in a thin smearing of Flora between two wonderfully self-indulgent slices of Warburtons Baker’s Bloomer do the trick. Don’t be afraid to experiment by adding salt.

Cold tinned food

The delicious contrast between the cold spring weather and your warm home makes it all the more cosy. Likewise, the contrast between your cosy kitchen and a cold tin of Heinz Ravioli eaten with a spoon makes you savour it even more, especially when accompanied with neat Spar whiskey.

Any microwave snack

For the midweek drinker Rustlers burgers, or Asda’s enticing ‘Heat Me, Eat Me’ bacon and beans breakfast wrap for £1, aren’t just food – they’re entertainment. Slump in front of the microwave watching them revolve for 90 seconds, just enough time to open and decant another delicious can of Strongbow.

Something from the bin

Your kitchen bin is a culinary adventure. There might be almost a fifth of a pizza in there, or a cold lamb chop with a fair bit of meat still on. All cordon bleu treats, as long as you haven’t thrown up in it yet.