Thursday, 13th May 2021

How to be a free speech bellend

‘FREE speech’ is the latest buzz-phrase for right-wingers and ranters. Here’s how to bang on about it furiously without understanding it.

Have a very limited definition of it

By ‘free speech’ you really mean ‘me droning on about my predictable right-wing obsessions’, which are ALWAYS transgenderism, ‘woke’, BLM, etc. If aliens landed tomorrow, they would assume ‘free speech’ meant hating feminists.

Post a quote you don’t really understand

‘I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it’ is what you should be posting furiously with a picture of Voltaire, even though he didn’t actually say it. Worse still, it refers to his right to criticise religion. And the bastard was French.  

Look thick as pigshit

Talk a lot about ‘free speech’, but in a way that shows you haven’t given it two seconds thought, eg. ‘Brexit is my freedom of speech. So shut up, Remoaners.’

Use it in a trivial context 

‘Free speech’ is often used in the context of oppressive regimes that do terrible things to dissidents. If you’re Piers Morgan or one of his supporters, claim a tabloid TV interview with celebrity royals is ‘a hill to die on’, even though no one has been killed or tortured, except perhaps those who watched the whole two hours.

Be hilariously paranoid

If a few leftie students are trying to no-platform some oddball speaker, it’s clearly only a matter of time before Winston Churchill is completely erased from British history, right? 

Oppose free speech 

Don’t even pretend not to be totally partisan. Make it clear that you think the people being censored and persecuted are Laurence Fox, Nigel Farage and Tommy Robinson. Then when someone has the temerity to point out this is bollocks, say it’s an attack on your free speech.