How to be a pathetic, terrified Little Englander

DO you lead a comfortable suburban life in the UK, but fear and hate the outside world for no good reason? Here’s how to enjoy pretending to be oppressed.

Live in fear of immigrants 

Make this non-existent threat a constant feature of your life. Maybe even build defences to keep them out. Put some barbed wire on your shed and futilely try to train your cocker spaniel to ‘Kill!’. It’s pointless but you can moan to your neighbours that you’ve been forced to do it.

Take your newspaper at face value

If the Express, Mail or Times are full of articles about bolshy students complaining about statues and racism, clearly free speech is a thing of the past. Don’t ask yourself if culture war nonsense just sells papers and gets clicks – your entire reality may come crashing down like The Truman Show.

Do something mental on Victory in Europe Day 

As was common this year, show your love for Britain (ie. England) by doing something weird like building a three-quarter size WW2 Cromwell tank in your drive by fixing a cardboard turret, gun and ‘tracks’ to your Ford Focus. This is very normal and not quite disrespectful in its own way.

Worry about house prices falling

This is unlikely to shaft you financially, but drone on about it anyway. At the same time be furious about your kids not being able to get on the property ladder, but always vote to keep things exactly the same.

Have zero empathy with anyone who is not like you

Don’t ask why asylum seekers might be undertaking their perilous journey. Likewise do not ask yourself if life on benefits might be a bit grim. By contrast, be incandescent with rage over tiny inconveniences to yourself like the council changing the wheelie bin collection days.

Be worryingly paranoid

Believe you are constantly being persecuted by everyone from the EU to your local supermarket. Your sense of victimhood is so entrenched by now you won’t worry that you’re starting to go bonkers.

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Twat wearing mask under her nose doing it on purpose

A WOMAN who goes to the shops wearing a mask over her mouth but not her nose has confirmed she is doing it just to annoy the f**k out of everyone.

Nikki Hollis knows that only covering one of the germ-exhaling holes in her face is pointless but has admitted she just enjoys seeing the looks of irritation on the faces of fellow shoppers.

Hollis said: “You’ve got to find some way to have fun during a global pandemic and mine is to distress strangers by not being able to properly perform one incredibly basic task.

“I really enjoy drifting round the aisles of Sainsbury’s, sneezing on the Shreddies and standing uncomfortably close to people in the checkout queue.

“What’s most entertaining is that I can see I’m really making them agitated but they feel unable to say anything because they assume I’m not wearing the mask properly because I’m a bit thick.

“The truth is that I’m a bit thick but also a very horrible person. Such fun.”