Thursday, 29th October 2020

How to be a pathetic, terrified Little Englander

DO you lead a comfortable suburban life in the UK, but fear and hate the outside world for no good reason? Here’s how to enjoy pretending to be oppressed.

Live in fear of immigrants 

Make this non-existent threat a constant feature of your life. Maybe even build defences to keep them out. Put some barbed wire on your shed and futilely try to train your cocker spaniel to ‘Kill!’. It’s pointless but you can moan to your neighbours that you’ve been forced to do it.

Take your newspaper at face value

If the Express, Mail or Times are full of articles about bolshy students complaining about statues and racism, clearly free speech is a thing of the past. Don’t ask yourself if culture war nonsense just sells papers and gets clicks – your entire reality may come crashing down like The Truman Show.

Do something mental on Victory in Europe Day 

As was common this year, show your love for Britain (ie. England) by doing something weird like building a three-quarter size WW2 Cromwell tank in your drive by fixing a cardboard turret, gun and ‘tracks’ to your Ford Focus. This is very normal and not quite disrespectful in its own way.

Worry about house prices falling

This is unlikely to shaft you financially, but drone on about it anyway. At the same time be furious about your kids not being able to get on the property ladder, but always vote to keep things exactly the same.

Have zero empathy with anyone who is not like you

Don’t ask why asylum seekers might be undertaking their perilous journey. Likewise do not ask yourself if life on benefits might be a bit grim. By contrast, be incandescent with rage over tiny inconveniences to yourself like the council changing the wheelie bin collection days.

Be worryingly paranoid

Believe you are constantly being persecuted by everyone from the EU to your local supermarket. Your sense of victimhood is so entrenched by now you won’t worry that you’re starting to go bonkers.