Middle class parents preparing to be outraged about GCSEs whatever happens

A MIDDLE class couple have confirmed they will be up in arms about their son’s GCSE results today whether they seem fair or not.

Sophie and Martin Bishop are poised to storm to the school and demand to see the headmaster even though son Oliver is predicted to get 12 good grades.

Sophie Bishop said: “We employed a tutor the moment lockdown was announced so Oliver hasn’t missed a second of learning thanks to our aggressive hot-housing.

“However, we feel it’s our right as annoying middle-class people to appear on the local news looking aggrieved at some perceived problem that may hold Oliver back from becoming an incredibly rich architect.

“Of course, it’s only GCSEs and a few slightly lower grades won’t ruin his life, so even if he did waste the last five months messing around with World of Warcraft instead of studying he’d be completely fine.

“But that’s not the point. The A-level parents got to make a huge drama all over the newspapers and we want our moment to make an almighty fuss as well.”

Oliver Bishop said: “It wasn’t World of Warcraft. It was porn.”

 

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Painting buses and ignoring emails: Boris Johnson's holiday itinerary in full

WITH this nasty coronavirus business finally put to bed, Boris Johnson is taking a well-earned break from doing f**k all. Here’s how our lord and master will relax.

Day 1 – Paint some buses

Not real buses as part of long-overdue community service, but the model buses he makes out of wooden wine boxes like an outsider artist. This helps him to unwind, and Brexit-obsessed Tory voters don’t mind if it’s made-up bollocks.

Day 2 – Patronise Scottish people

The prime minister is holidaying in Scotland, so it will be hard to resist antagonising the Scots for the amusement of himself and English Tories. He will explain how Scots would all be living in dank bothies without subsidies from England and that shortbread is shit.

Day 3 – Cool off in a fridge

Popping into a walk-in fridge is Johnson’s preferred way of avoiding both literal and metaphorical heat. Little is known about what he does during these frosty retreats, although he could shag a milk bottle and get it stuck on his knob, and idiots would still vote for him.

Day 4 – Ignore emails titled ‘We need to U-turn again! URGENT!!!’

The PM will select hundreds of emails with this subject line and click ‘delete’ without reading them. By the time he returns to Downing Street all of these trivial matters will have been fixed or blown over anyway, so it would be a waste of his time opening them.

Day 5 – Sire another child

In a rare example of forward planning, Johnson will get another bun in the oven to give him something to distract us from Brexit in nine months’ time. Having used up many unfortunate names on his existing progeny, this one will probably be called Fingal Symbiosis Unobtanium.

Day 6 – Quarantine for two weeks

Following the holiday, Johnson will stay safe by wisely choosing not to work, not that you’ll notice any difference. Once he’s finally back at his desk his first priority will be to book another break to recover from all the stress.