How to brace yourself for checking your bank balance

THINKING of checking how little money you have? Prepare yourself for the shock, trauma and grief with these tips: 

Set low expectations

Make a conservative estimate of your financial situation. Now cut it in half. Now deduct an additional £100 for every moment that gave you joy over the last month, to account for all the takeaways, eBay purchases and little well-deserved treats. It’s harder to be disappointed when you assume you have f**k all.

Have a plan of action

The process of checking your bank balance should run like a military operation. Don’t just saunter in. You need to have checked and quit so fast you’re only seeing the figure as a retinal afterimage  to minimise the shock of how poor you are. Ideally it will be days, if not weeks, until you can comprehend it.

Surround yourself with loved ones

Looking at your balance is an emotional ordeal, so surround yourself with friends and family. Don’t let them look at the screen; postition them on the other side of the laptop so they can only read your dire financial situation through your face. They’ll treat you to a meal for being so brave, and God knows you deserve it.

Ignore the minus sign

Covering up the minus sign turns a overdraft from a harbinger of ruin into a respectable fortune. A piece of carefully-placed masking tape should do the trick, or use your thumb if caught short. If the number still makes you sad, draw an extra couple of zeroes on the end.

Put it off

Preparation is vital. You don’t want to endanger your mental wellbeing by casually looking at it after a bank-breaking night out at Wetherspoons, where you had three drinks. Instead, put it off for a day, a week or a fortnight, to give it time to heal naturally. Ideally you should only look at your balance when payday then swear off it for a month.

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Truss announces plan to develop normal facial expression by December

LIZ Truss has confirmed that she hopes to develop a facial expression which is not deeply unnerving by December. 

Pictured on today’s front pages celebrating the achievement of a lifetime ambition with the face of a woman smiling through a cigarette burn, work has already begun to achieve something recognisable to actual humans.

A Downing Street insider said: “400 civil servants have been pulled off whatever else they were working and onto this. It may not be enough.

“The problem is that she views emotion as weakness so she neither feels anything nor publically expresses it. All she really does is pull faces like a chimp in front of a mirror, and it shows.

“There’s a team working full-time on trying to get her to talk out of both sides of her face, another one trying to eliminate the head-tilt, but facial expressions is the real job. Our target is a smile by Christmas and sympathetic sadness by March, when the deaths come.

“They’ve committed £6 billion already, but apparently the spend’s bottomless for this one. Will it work? Of course it won’t. It’s a massive public-funded Tory project, they never do.”