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Six Disney characters that made you grow up to be an arsehole

DID you love Disney as a kid? Have you absorbed the House of Mouse’s moral lessons completely the wrong way? Are you as loathsome as these pricks? 

Social media’s Cruella de Vil

Obessed with standing out, you’re always strutting about wearing faux fur and a Gothic hairdo, judging others, dishing out sneers, believing yourself to be the main character while the room mutters ‘f**k off’. You’ve dedicated your life to chasing 101 Instagram likes.

The Syndrome of the pub quiz

Modelling yourself on the Incredibles villain, you are the nerd who discovered Kate Bush before she was on Stranger Things. Who recognises every Marvel cameo and lets the whole cinema know. The insufferable know-it-all gatekeeper of every possible fandom who lords it over the Duke of Wellington pub quiz. Everyone hates you.

Sheffield’s Gaston

With sleek ponytail and bicep-hugging shirt, you’re the pulling machine in all Sheffield’s grimiest student bars. The misplaced bravado of Wayne Lineker is yours as your character arc moves from local lothario to Ibiza Weekender to Love Island to Ex On The Beach. You’ve taught so many girls that you are the real monster, it’s a public service.

The Zazu of your regional office

Charged with keeping order, puffed up with your own authority, making pompous little puns nobody enjoys, and ultimately presiding over total disaster while taking no responsibility for it whatsoever. And somehow you still keep your job.

The Snow White of Epping Forest

Obsessed with your own beauty and supported by the hard work of all the other students in your houseshare, who fancy you. You sleep all day and are waited on hand and foot while waiting for a prince to free you from the glass coffin of your Sports Science degree. ‘Prince’ defined as he has a Rolex and Range Rover but still lives with his mum.

Politics’s Prince Ali

Yes, you may be rich now, but you began as nothing but a street rat! You’re the one talking truth to power, with your parents’ pharmacy business and your marriage to Prince Jasmine! You should be the ruler of all the kingdom! Didn’t f**king happen though, did it, Rishi?

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What generic must-see TV events will you be watching this autumn?

AUTUMN’S schedules are packed with great, innovative new TV shows that rigidly adhere to pre-defined formulae. Which will you be watching?

Famous Person Documentary

Famous Person has done unexpected thing, like buying farm, football club or whaling ship. Why? Because of their long-held ambition or childhood trauma, not the multi-million pound deal to make a documentary about doing the unexpected thing.

The Troubled Detective

Shunned by colleagues for their plain-speaking alcoholism, the detective’s marriage ended due to a traumatic event revealed in high-contrast flashbacks. But they are wrenched from battling their personal demons to solve one last case. May be Scandinavian. Will be too f**king long.

The Multi-Million-Dollar Epic

The cost of this motherf**ker is repeatedly brought up as if the money wasted is a reason to watch it. An adaptation of a cult series of novels, graphic novels or videogames, it’s apparent from the first 20 minutes that none of the cash went on the script.

Quirky Girl Comedy Drama

Girl comedian lives in bohemian chaos in East London, striking out in her career, friendships and fashion choices until she begins an unlikely love-hate relationship with her flatmate / best friend / hero. Will their relationship survive the obstacles caused by her being f**king irritating? Or will he shag her mate who actually has her shit together?

The Twisty Plotter

From the makers of Line of Duty comes a show so laden with twists that you’ve had all your expectations overturned before you’ve had chance to form them. Requires extensive research into the Troubles, a photographic memory and if you look away for a second to sip your tea you’re f**ked.

We’ve Made A Terrible Mistake

Plucky Brits have bought something huge, foreign and unmanageable. Watch from the comfort of your sofa as they discover their Romanian castle is on top of an active volcano, feeling nothing but deep envy for their plight. It’ll work out alright, they’re on telly.

Let’s Ruin Thing You Like Forever

Always loved [food item of choice]? Watch this hard-hitting documentary and you will never want to eat [food item of choice] ever again in your life! It’s disgustingly processed and/or hurts wildlife, and/or is carcinogenic. You watch it while eating Monster Munch.

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