NOBODY can afford to buy a house and renting is hell. Convince yourself you’re delighted with what your budget stretches to with these lies:
Loud dogs are fun
As an animal lover, you adore being soothed to sleep by the midnight howling of your neighbour’s Staffy. And its deafening barks, honed by rounds in the dog-fighting ring, are a reminder that you live in a community with traditional British sporting interests.
The nearby sewage refinery is amazing
Being environmentally minded, the inescapable odour of biologically-treated wastewater is perfect for you. A big lungful of degrading bio-matter smells like victory against the climate crisis, and after a couple of decades you won’t even notice its pungent stench.
It’s so handy for the dual carriageway
Literally open the front curtains and there is is, the A31, roaring by just a pavement and a concrete barrier from your door. How can anyone not love that kind of convenience? Except you don’t own a car and there isn’t anywhere to park one.
Living under a railway arch is a hipster’s paradise
For the price of this converted workshop under the line to Didcot Parkway you could buy a sprawling five-bed house in the Midlands or somewhere. But honestly, the ingrained stench of oil is so authentic and heritagey, and the trains sort of sound like the ocean crashing on a beautiful shore just above my head. Sort of.
The drug dealer next door is also a DJ
On the down side, there would be a steady footfall of unfriendly characters banging on their door. But on the plus side, having a drug dealer on the other side of the wall opens your horizons to all kinds of 120 BPM bass-heavy music which is best enjoyed late at night.