How to find out the name of someone whose name you've forgotten

EMBARRASSED that you’ve forgotten someone’s name? Instead of simply asking, why not do something weird and find out that way instead?

Have an affair with the postman

Your postman or woman knows all your neighbours’ names, but you can’t ask them without looking like a creepy weirdo. However, if you strike up a flirtation that looks like it could lead to a torrid affair based in your garage, they’ll tell you anything.

Pretend to have amnesia

If you’ve lived next door to them for three years it’s far too late for you to admit you don’t know their name, unless you suddenly develop amnesia. Stage a noisy fall in the garden, fake a bump on the head and, when they come running out to help, ask them their name. Easy.

Look them up on the land registry

You do have to pay a small fee, but this is a very discreet method of finding out their name without admitting you’re a sieve-brained idiot. However, if anyone ever finds out they will think you are mental, and they will be right. 

Get them really pissed

Set up a barbecue in your back garden and insist they come and join you for a drink when you spy them outside. Ply them with so much booze that they’re on the verge of blacking out, then ask them their name. They won’t remember and they’ll be hugely apologetic for vomiting in your shrubbery.

Make your partner do it

If all else fails force your partner to take one for the team by going round and asking. However, it will probably turn out they already know and they and the neighbour are standing on the doorstep laughing about what a useless twat you are.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Sex myths that are clearly bollocks if you've got 20 braincells

DO you like to repeat clearly dubious ‘facts’ about sex? Here are some you should apply a bit of critical thinking to.

Penis size is all-important

When subjected to scrutiny, this claim does not stand up. Many factors affect a man’s suitability as a partner or lover, and just having ginormous tackle like Long Dong Silver probably isn’t crucial. If it was, women would demand to see the organ in question while going for a meal.

Breast size is all-important

The truth is that men are very pragmatic. While large breasts are helpful to your career if you’re Lucy Pinder, most men stand no chance of going out with Lucy Pinder. Also many other female qualities are deeply attractive, like whether they can give you a lift to the pub.

Men think about sex every seven seconds

That’s one-seventh of a man’s waking hours thinking about sex. Men wouldn’t be able to hold down jobs. They’d keep crashing their cars because their brain was occupied with sex and not that sharp bend in the road. Neil Armstrong’s famous words would have been ‘Mmm, tits’.

Massage is an excellent form of foreplay

No. It’s boring. This oft-repeated idea is surely just a way for various sex therapists to pad out articles and books. If humans needed sensual massage to reproduce, our ancestors the monkeys would have invented overpriced oils and scented candles.

Men can’t find the clitoris

They can, it’s just there near the vagina. It’s not like finding Bigfoot or the lost city of Atlantis. You don’t need Google Maps. If a man can’t find the clitoris you should have serious concerns about his lack of spatial awareness. 

Sex is best in long-term relationships

The words ‘vested interest’ spring to mind here. If you’re in a long-term relationship and can’t shag around, of course you’re going to say this. Don’t admit that in your mind you’re fantasising about a wide range of sexual partners ranging from Debbie Harry to Chris Hemsworth to Darth Vader.