How to have a brilliant DIY funeral

MORE and more people are choosing ‘DIY’ funerals which are cheap but just as much fun as proper ones. Read our guide to burying yourself or loved ones on a budget.

Alternatives to a coffin

Let’s face it, coffins are expensive for something you’ll only use once.

Instead of an overpriced funeral company one, use the cardboard box your washing machine came in. You might have to jiggle the limbs around a bit, but at least it’s biodegradable.

Alternatively use an old Ikea wardrobe that’s falling apart. If the deceased loved mooching around Ikea buying tea lights, what a great way to go!

Alternatives to a vicar

Vicars are a piss-poor investment for funerals, because they rarely know the deceased and rely on sketchy notes from the next-of-kin, resulting in bizarre eulogies like:

“Jeff loved cycling. His life was a joyous whirlwind of 12-speed gears and puncture kits. That was Jeff, truly a man of bikes.

Instead get a fancy dress vicar costume off Amazon for £8 and do it yourself. And once the grief and sadness has passed you’ll have a great outfit for parties!

Alternatives to a graveyard

Yes, graveyards are tranquil and respectful places for the deceased, but they cost a bomb. Cheaper places to dispose of a body include:

● The canal. Thousands of serial killers can’t be wrong!

● The local rubbish dump. The council jobsworths won’t mind so long as you don’t leave Auntie Sylvia in the battery recycling crate.

● Under the patio – a lovely touch for deceased Anna Friel or Brookside fans.

Alternatives to a wake

Traditionally held in a pub, but if you’re footing the bar bill that’s going to be grief of a different kind. Instead hold it in a local park with a few slabs of Foster’s. Take a frisbee to lighten the mood.

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Tedious twats with totally ordinary house want to give you 'the tour'

A COUPLE with a completely unremarkable semi-detached two-bedroom house still insist on giving guests ‘the grand tour’.

Tom and Emma Booker recently greeted guests Nathan and Sarah Muir by asking if they would like to do the tour now or “save it for later”, as if they gave a shit.

Sarah Muir said: “I’m not saying they over-egged the ‘tour’, but I could literally already see 90% of the house from the hallway.

“It’s not that there’s anything wrong with it, it’s just a completely typical house with Ikea furniture and a doormat that says ‘Live, Laugh, Love’. It probably doesn’t qualify for its own Lonely Planet guide.”

Husband Nathan agreed: “It’s got a living room, kitchen, hallway – you know, the things in a house. What Tom and Emma were really asking us was ‘Do you want to see a couple of bedrooms and the bog?’”

Emma Booker said: “This is the master bedroom – sorry about the mess. This is the bathroom, we haven’t decorated it yet and oh, don’t look in there yet, it’s full of boxes.

“Isn’t it exciting?”