How to tell someone you don't want to hold their horrible baby

KNOW new parents? Then you’re probably being given their precious bundle of foul odours and screams to hold. Here’s how to get out of it.

‘This was just dry-cleaned’ 

Babies excrete foul slime from every orifice and you’re wearing a cashmere jumper. Parents have to love their babies despite their undeniable unpleasantness or they’d abandon them in a bin round the back of Tesco, but you have nice clothes.

‘I’ll definitely drop it’

Remarkably, even though this is completely accurate because you’ve no more idea how to hold a baby than you would a Humboldt penguin, the parents still insist in thrusting their baby upon you. Because they don’t care, they just don’t want it anymore.

‘I’m hungover and might be sick’ 

Turn the tables with this manoeuvre and see the baby immediately retracted. While baby vomit is merely milky, they don’t want their four-month-old drowned in a litre of Merlot and stomach acid.

‘OK, if you hold this 13-pound watermelon for me’

Babies are heavy which is why new parents love foisting their kid on unsuspecting bystanders. Take a large watermelon along so they can return the favour. Don’t bother pointing out the Dirty Dancing reference, they’ll be too sleep-deprived to get it.


Sometimes honesty is the best policy. They might act offended but six months ago they were the ones backing away from a shrieking brat saying ‘No. No way. Absolutely not.’

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Queen abandons lifelong dream of complete control of romantic and professional lives of her whole family

THE Queen is reportedly ‘in pieces’ after being forced to abandon her dream of everyone in her family doing exactly as they are told forever. 

Her Royal Majesty, already forced to accept that her selfish children and grandchildren would not marry who she had chosen, yesterday discovered she could not even control their jobs or country of residence.

She said: “Ever since I was a little girl I had a wonderful, magical dream of everyone doing what I wanted without question.

“But Charles didn’t like the wife I chose for him, and my sister and daughter both got divorced even though I forbade it. The only one who’s stayed married is Edward, and I think we all know why.

“And now Harry refuses to dedicate the rest of his life to walking around, waving, and watching his wife called a monstrous bitch by the newspapers. Why?

“I am the monarch and head of the Church of England, but still I am disobeyed as if I were nothing than a meddling old woman with unrealistic expectations.

“Might go and shoot a stag. Always cheers me up.”