However wide you make parking bays we will park across two of them, confirm 4x4 drivers

PEOPLE who drive massive jeep things have confirmed that they will always park across two bays even if there is loads of space.

After NCP confirmed plans to widen bays to accommodate ridiculous Range Rover type things, owners of such vehicles said it would not prevent their deliberately selfish behaviour.

Range Rover driver Mary Fisher said: “You could make those things a mile wide and I would still park right across the dividing line.

“I am a pathetically insecure person, which is why I drive an armoured vehicle, and that sort of behaviour is one way of getting the world to notice me.”

Tom Booker, who has some massive Porsche thing that only a fool would drive, said: “Mine even has special cameras in the rear bumper so that when I’m parking I can get the white line right between my tyres.

“I wear one of those quilted Barbour gilets too, just to make you really hate me.”

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British sovereignty best served by UK becoming 51st state, says Farage

BRITISH sovereignty can only be saved by the UK becoming part of the United States, Nigel Farage has claimed.

Farage, who believes that as Donald Trump’s best mate he is perfectly placed to serve British interests that coincide with Trump’s, says only America can stop Britain being engulfed by the monolithic power bloc of the EU.

He continued: “To survive as an independent nation we need a functioning economy and army and sadly, after the damage that will be done to our nation by Brexit, we will have neither.

“But under the proud wing of the American eagle we can retain everything that makes us British – speaking English, bland food, bombing the Middle East – without all the political fuss.

“We’ll still have the power to decide on the issues that really matter to Britain, like the legality of fireworks and choice of official state bird, while boring bits like taxation and foreign policy are passed upstairs.

“Sadly we’ll lose the NHS and the BBC, those great Marxist institutions, but nothing else bad can happen to us because we’ll all have guns.”

Brexit voter Martin Bishop said: “You’d think, based on everything I’ve said for the last ten years, I’d be against this. But surprisingly no.”