Huggers, leg tappers and other bastards who invade your personal space

SOCIAL distancing is long gone, meaning your personal space is wide open. Watch out for these people who will invade it.

The hugger

This is a terrifyingly broad spectrum. If your auntie’s a hugger, brace yourself for a hug, a cheek pinch, and maybe even a hand squeeze. Meanwhile male relatives will throw in a hearty backslap after awkwardly wrapping their arms around you. Even old colleagues will hug you out of a sense of obligation, because that is what society has become.

The leg tapper

Another example of close quarters contact favoured by the elderly. Find out if your nan is a leg tapper by popping round for a visit then ignoring her rambling anecdotes. If you feel a sensation like a weak woodpecker hitting your leg then you’ll need to give her a wide berth. She might be old but she can still pester you with the vigour of a woman half her age.

The cheek kisser

We are not in France, therefore there is no reason to peck someone on the cheek when saying hello. And after years of wearing masks and maintaining a distance, the idea of getting kissed on the side of your face is both erotic and terrifying. Stick to a tip of the hat or a firm handshake, or better still ignore one another altogether.

The computer hoverer

Office workers have slipped back into their old habits, meaning they’ll find any excuse to put their arm around the back of your chair and lean right in. Don’t let them get too close or they’ll see that email to HR where you bitch about their lack of personal boundaries. You didn’t get this shit working from home.

The too-close-for-comfort queuer

This nation has a proud history of being excellent queuers, which people are putting at risk by standing far too close to you. What are they hoping to see? There’s nothing worth looking at on the back of your head, let alone the front. Re-establish some personal space by coughing without covering your mouth or letting off a tactical fart.

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Kids to be sick by lunchtime

THE nation’s children will have eaten so much Easter chocolate they will be sick by lunchtime, it has been confirmed.

Having promptly devoured their weekly recommended allowance of chocolate in a matter of minutes, children across the country will be hunched over the toilet feeling queasy by midday.

Parent Tom Booker said: “Every year it’s the same story. The kids wake up, rip the foil off their Easter eggs, stuff them into their greedy faces, then bring them back up again shortly after.

“I try to warn them that furiously gobbling down chocolate never ends well. But they pay even less attention than when I try to teach them about the real meaning of Easter.”

Booker’s eight-year-old son Martin said: “I’ve only been up for half an hour but I’ve already scoffed four massive Easter eggs, half a dozen Creme Eggs and a couple of bags of chocolate buttons for good measure. I fail to see how this will backfire.

“Having said that, I suddenly feel the need to go to the bathroom for a completely unrelated reason. It’s probably that one piece of fruit I ate in the last six months coming back to haunt me.”