SOCIAL distancing is long gone, meaning your personal space is wide open. Watch out for these people who will invade it.
This is a terrifyingly broad spectrum. If your auntie’s a hugger, brace yourself for a hug, a cheek pinch, and maybe even a hand squeeze. Meanwhile male relatives will throw in a hearty backslap after awkwardly wrapping their arms around you. Even old colleagues will hug you out of a sense of obligation, because that is what society has become.
The leg tapper
Another example of close quarters contact favoured by the elderly. Find out if your nan is a leg tapper by popping round for a visit then ignoring her rambling anecdotes. If you feel a sensation like a weak woodpecker hitting your leg then you’ll need to give her a wide berth. She might be old but she can still pester you with the vigour of a woman half her age.
The cheek kisser
We are not in France, therefore there is no reason to peck someone on the cheek when saying hello. And after years of wearing masks and maintaining a distance, the idea of getting kissed on the side of your face is both erotic and terrifying. Stick to a tip of the hat or a firm handshake, or better still ignore one another altogether.
The computer hoverer
Office workers have slipped back into their old habits, meaning they’ll find any excuse to put their arm around the back of your chair and lean right in. Don’t let them get too close or they’ll see that email to HR where you bitch about their lack of personal boundaries. You didn’t get this shit working from home.
The too-close-for-comfort queuer
This nation has a proud history of being excellent queuers, which people are putting at risk by standing far too close to you. What are they hoping to see? There’s nothing worth looking at on the back of your head, let alone the front. Re-establish some personal space by coughing without covering your mouth or letting off a tactical fart.