'Hungover' now recognised as a school of philosophy

THE wisdom and insight that comes with a hangover is to be taught as part of philosophy courses.

‘Hangoverism’ will be approached as an over-arching discipline, taking in elements from existentialism’s view that life is meaningless, all the way back to Socrates’ allegory of not being able to face leaving a cave and going outside.

Philosophy professor Nikki Hollis said: “Many students will be able to relate to the teachings of Jeffrey Barnard and his theory that reality is just a construct that needs ignoring on a Saturday morning.

“Now leave me the fuck alone. I went mental on Chardonnay last night. My head feels like it’s in a tumble dryer.”

Meanwhile, academic journals have begun printing hangoverism essays, including The Morality of Bacon Sandwiches and Vomiting and Nothingness.

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Everyone getting hammered tonight for bad reasons

BRITAIN is to get hammered as usual tonight but for bad reasons, not celebratory, end-of-the-week ones. 

Alcohol is selling briskly across the UK as adults prepare to get blackout drunk not because the weekend is here but because the weekend is here and Donald Trump is president and Leonard Cohen is dead.

Nikki Hollis, from Peterborough, said: “Normally I’m skipping merrily into the land of drunkenness, a carefree sense that none of it matters, but tonight I’ll be lurching there.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if I haven’t killed two bottles of wine by 10pm in my despair, as opposed to last week when I polished off two bottles before News at Ten out of sheer joie de vivre.

She added: “And tomorrow’s hangover will be a black cloud of gloom clearly revealing that everything in the world is shit. While last week it just seemed like that.”

Pub landlord Bill McKay said: “We’re expecting a fairly dark atmosphere in here tonight. We probably won’t do the quiz.”