I am ready to accept your apologies, says Brexiter

A BREXITER has big-heartedly agreed to accept apologies from Remainers for all their terrible lies and smears.

Joe Turner of Mansfield has issued a statement saying that if Remainers say sorry to him for the needless division and hatred they have caused and admit Brexit has been a success, the whole thing will be forgotten.

Turner said: “We’ve got to bring this country back together. And I’m a big enough man to make the first move.

“I promise I won’t call you an idiot, or upbraid you for your metropolitan liberal elitist beliefs, or say we’d be speaking German if you’d had your way.

“I’ll be open, kind and understanding. You’ll find no judgement here. Whatever your reasons for being so catastrophically misguided that you tried to destroy Britain, I’ll accept it.

“We’ve all got to move on together. That not only means accepting you were very, very wrong, but also accepting that I and the 52 per cent were absolutely right.

“Come on. You won’t be able to enjoy the magic of post-Brexit Britain with this hanging over you. I’m waiting.”

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Is the third wave all your fault? Take our quiz

THE prime minister has heavily hinted that the third wave of Covid infections was caused by the British public, because it cannot be his fault. Are you guilty? Find out:

Did you Eat Out to Help Out?

A. No, because it was blatantly obvious that cramming indoors with strangers is how the virus spreads
B. Yes, because the government assured me it was perfectly safe and my duty to save the hospitality industry

Did you return to working in the office in the summer?

A. No, because I was able to work from home and it seemed like a needless risk
B. Yes, because the government said it was safe and also that Pret really needed me

Did you drink in a pub alongside a substantial meal, eg. a Scotch egg?

A. No, by that time cases were rising and the epidemiologists hadn’t said anything about Scotch eggs conferring immunity so I erred on the side of caution
B. Yes, because the government assured me it was completely safe because I was in tier 2. They always know best

Did you meet another household over Christmas?

A. No, because my parents are in their 70s and I didn’t want to risk killing them just so we could eat pigs in blankets together
B. Yes, because the government assured me it was totally safe even if Chris Whitty disagreed and it was Christmas, after all

ANSWERS

Mostly As: By failing to follow government advice, you are responsible for the third wave of Covid and each death is on your head. Not Matt Hancock’s or Boris Johnson’s. Yours.

Mostly Bs: You followed government advice and so everything you did was perfectly safe. If you contracted Covid and passed it on to others that could not be helped. Well done.

Next story ›